What I really need from this group is advice on how to implement that changes our marriage needs, which is to put his needs FIRST, to listen to him and be the wife he needs…while detaching? While GAL? How can I do both? I know that all I can change is myself, but how can I be less selfish, while focusing on myself? I want so badly to consider him first in all things, but that is exactly what the book says not to do?
I think you already have these answers. Print this thread out and answer all the questions honestly. THIS is what will give you a game plan.
Since you've behaved in a manner most of us here haven't--by this, I mean that many of us took on the mom role to the detriment of losing our individuality--your list will probably be a lot more of the 180 variety than the rest of us. For you, I think GAL will have to be for the purpose of keeping a good attitude and to use your time to do things that are joyful and reinforce your efforts. I would probably avoid activities that are what MWD calls "more of the same". In other words, behaviors that reinforce his perception that it's all about you.
So please answer the questions. I think the answers lie right there. Then you'll know where you need to focus.
The book gives general ideas of what not to do. But the basic premise of DR is to do more of what works and less of what doesn't. Experiment. Pursuit usually means a fear-based behavior, which is why it should be avoided. Detachment means acting in a manner that says to others, "I care. But you are your own person and I am mine." It requires respect. And that is something you are going to have to work really hard at achieving.
I'd also like to thank LITB for the kind words. But you should also pay attention to him--he's reconciling and a guy. He can approach this from a guy's perspective. I'm sure he could be specific about what wouldn't work for him with his W as well. He might be too much of a good cop to do that, though.
Women are typically harder on other women. I only come across that way because I've traveled this road and know the ugly behaviors that got me on this board in the first place. I say these things to you because this is going to require commitment and a level of effort to change your behaviors, beliefs and fears. You're going to have to learn a different type of motivation. Consider it doubly worthwhile, because you have an infant that you want to teach. You're in an ideal place to become the person you want others to respect and admire. And that, my dear, is the very first step on this yellow brick road.
So... answer the questions, and then I want you to list 5 things you can do to combat the things that top your list of things that can make the biggest improvement for you AS A PERSON. If you treat others the way you treat him, this is a waste of time. It's going to have to be consistent across the board. Nobody wants to be friends with that blueberry girl in Willy Wonka.
One last thing that might drive this home. Your H is a marine. 'Til he dies. Marines know pecking order. They know how to respect authority. They are taught to be a team - in it to protect their brothers and willing to pay the ultimate sacrifice. You might do well to consider yourself a new recruit. Just a thought. Semper fi.
Ok, I've got to get back to work.
List. Answer questions. Identify 5 things to work on.
I'll be back.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
