Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[labug]

Look at that list again. Then add your kids, who are still babies really.

Why all at once?

Which is the #1 priority?

[gogofo]

Why all at once? I don't know. Some of it is choice, some of it is taking the opportunity when available, some of it is out of our control.

We both are overly ambitious and think we can do everything. We look at challenges and say we can get through them but do not look at the cost of doing it and the toll it will take on family, R, during the challenge. We figure we can buckle down and make it through it and in the end the results will out weigh the means.

The issue with my work and her brother are out of our control and just life. I try not to let these things personally effect me and have been doing better at it than I ever have.

Selling our marital home should ease some of the stress in our lives of carrying two homes, bills, etc. and also taking care of two houses on opposite ends of the town. It takes up a decent amount of time and has added to the complexity of our lives.

For me my priority is my family and the reconciliation. I spent many years putting my job and myself above all and it did me nothing but damage when life forced me to turn around and look at the aftermath.

I know my wife would say her priority is her family, but her actions make it seem that work and doctoral degree are just as high or slightly higher. I think our R/M is running a close third place after work and family obligations. I can empathize with her on this because I know the feeling of being "forced" to complete our obligations at work etc.

She once told me that if I approached our R with the same attitude as work we would have a great M. My putting my job before the M and trying to find time later really hurt us.

I feel now the tables have turned and she is doing the same. The stresses of being over extended are hurting us, I just don't know what to do about it because a lot of it is on her side.

They had a stress seminar at her school and she said she hit all the factors. I knew this and it saddens me. I feel she is misplacing her stress and sadness on our R, not on her lifestyle of over extending.

I make offers to help with reducing her stress, but I do not know if this is helping her or our R or not. Last night I offered to take a couple of hours off in the morning and get the kids on the bus so she could go in earlier and finish her 2 page to do list. She declined. It took a lot of restraint to not offer again. I know she doesn't need solutions so I just shut up about it. I often wonder if my offering help makes her feel like she cannot make it alone or not.

The other night she went out with a friend and came home after the kids were asleep. She made the comment that she went in their room and kissed them good night after they were sleeping, "like a bad mother." I think she notices what her schedule does to her family time, but not our reconciliation attempt.

My plan of action now is to do better at GAL and not putting pressure on her or being needy to her. Most everyone or everything in her life is an obligation, requirement, or some one asking her for something. I want to be the person that gives to her and does not look to her for reassurance. I have slipped up with this lately and need to refocus. The last thing she needs is to come home to a husband that she feels she needs to take care of, either mentally or physically.

[Barrybran]

Your wife's stress is her problem to solve. It's admirable that you want to help but you're part of the problem in her eyes, not part of the solution. There's nothing wrong with asking if there is anything you can do to help but if she declines, you've offered and it remains her problem to solve.

[gogofo]

There's nothing wrong with asking if there is anything you can do to help but if she declines, you've offered and it remains her problem to solve.

This is what I need to keep remembering. I love to help others, but I don't want it to be forceful or make her feel like she is inadequate.

I need to be her "rock" that she can rely on.

[Karma12]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like your wife is still harboring a lot of resentment. I would keep validating her feelings. Tell her if you could you would change the past. You can now only learn from that and change the future. If she was not connected to you she would not be able to relax and be intimate during vacations. We women need to feel emotionally connected to be physical.

Considering you have very busy everyday lives can you arrange date nights? How about getting a house cleaner once a week? Remove some of the stresses you can control. Knowing the house is clean and having a prearranged date night to look forward too may help rekindle the flame. Intimacy is important. It's what makes a love relationship different from a friendship.


Pouting and demanding sex is a big turn off. That being said discussing your feelings of rejection,missing her and need for the physical part of your relationship is important too. This is better talked about when sex is not expected at a time you are both free to talk over coffee.

There are books that discuss the differences between how men and women think. I know we aren't supposed to post book names so I wont. You can find them easily in relationship areas of bookstores. Think Men from ---- women from --- You may find ways through those to communicate your needs to your wife without getting her back up

[gogofo]

Karma, thanks for the ideas. We do have a house cleaner that deep cleans every two or three weeks. I have been taking care of the majority of the rest of the stuff. We do schedule date nights, when we have the time, but it is also hard to find the time. I think I had two or three dates planned that did not work out before we got to go on one. Really frustrating.

I have read the book you mention, and many others, not just DB. I try to take lessons from them all and apply them to the DB ideas.

The intimacy is what we are missing and I don't know what I can do to foster its growth. I miss more than just sex with her, it is the emotional intimacy that is missing.

The other night when I tried to bare my internal feelings to her it turned into her feeling resentful. I think she wants an explanation about why she wasn't worth it before when she was deeply in love. I don't think there is an easy answer. I thought I was doing my part in the relationship and she never called me on my crap. I was ignorant to what she wanted and that really hurts her.

I take the those times before almost like I was an alcoholic. I did not know what damage my actions were doing, but now that I have had my moment of clarity and sobered up I am doing things in a better way and continue to work on being sober. I feel that if I were an alcoholic and got sober I may be forgiven easier for the hurt she feels from our past relationship.

I had dinner last night with a friend and when I got home everyone was asleep. The W decided to sleep in our spare bedroom and did not want to sleep in the same bed as me. She said she felt like she was done. I wanted to talk and she was upset and said "Oh, NOW you want to talk?" This was a direct comment about me not bringing up our argument the night before. She is really upset and I want to talk to her but she will be out of town until late tomorrow night. I guess we will talk then, I hope.

[labug]

You're missing the intimacy, she may not be at all.

Decide what your priorities are, attend to them and see what happens.

Be the man you're meant to be, the father you need to be, a great partner to your W but don't get lost in it.

You're going to sell the other house without being sure where this is going?

[gogofo]

You're missing the intimacy, she may not be at all.

I call it intimacy, she calls it an emotional connection. I think she misses it, or knows it is missing. She says she does not feel that spark anymore, unless we are vacationing. She feels our vacation feelings are a fantasy and not possible in our everyday lives. I disagree, but see what she sees. We need to keep working on building the connection. It scares me to think that she may not want the intimate connection anymore.

I think a good MC would be able to help us, but I am nervous to bring it up. When it was mentioned before she was insulted that since I wanted it we could go because when she mentioned it I felt we didn't need it. She also said she does not have the time to go to MC, which is kind of true, but she could make the time.

Decide what your priorities are, attend to them and see what happens.

Be the man you're meant to be, the father you need to be, a great partner to your W but don't get lost in it.

My priorities are my family and repairing this marriage. Within that is rebuilding that emotional connection. I do think that is the man I am meant to be and who I want to be.

I don't understand the "don't get lost in it" comment. Do you mean don't obsess and constantly think about repairing the marriage and the emotional connection; don't keep trying to find a "fix" or "idea" that will kick start the connection?

I have been guilty of this and have tried to back off. It still stings that when doing some emotional sharing the conversation devolved.

You're going to sell the other house without being sure where this is going?

Yes, this is a house that I would sell if things don't work out anyways. The house needs more work and money than I can deal with right now.


I get confused by the contradictory feelings she expresses to me. For example we sat by the Christmas tree staring at it and she expressed feeling happy and being excited for the Holidays. Now she said during the Holidays she was just thinking "I just have got to make it through this." I don't understand the two differences in emotion, just two weeks apart.

It seems the negatives hit harder on our R than the positives. She has told me at different times during our reconciliation that she feels we can make it through anything facing us and how much we have grown and changed for the better.

Now she again feels that she may be done. I just don't get it and I know I contribute to this in some way, but I do not understand it yet.

[gogofo]

Been doing some self reflection about the last couple of blow ups we have had during our attempted reconciliation.

It seems the common denominator is stress. When each of our stress levels increase we start doing things that do not work towards reconciliation.

She seems to be revisiting all of her past hurts and feels wounded still and see our future as hopeless or unchanging. To be honest, I hate her score card.

I get clingy and needy and want to feel loved and cared about, sometimes physically but mostly emotionally. To be honest, she probably views me as another obligation in her life, not a self sufficient person in her life.

These two things come together and we both are hurting our relationship. I think I am making her feel pressured and reminding her of the progress we have not made in our connection. Her reaction to my pressure then reinforces my need for connection and I get clingier.

Kind of a chicken and egg situation, but the result is we are pulling in different directions and doing damage. (Stop pulling and drop the rope you idiot)

My actions that I can control are, I need to feel more secure with myself and not look to W all the time for validation. I need not put pressure on her with reconciliation activities or ideas, especially during times of stress. I need to be more open with my emotions and feelings and bring them up more often. I need to STFU more and listen better, I have slipped up in this are a little bit.

I need to fake it until I make it with acting like the strong, emotionally open, non-needy husband that I want to be until it comes more naturally. I have come a long way in a year, but as always there is still more work to do.

[gogofo]

So I know during a separation or when DBing it is recommended to not give gifts.

So here is my predicament and I would like some advice.

I bought a new ring to give to my W to replace the engagement ring I gave her that is too big now that she has lost some weight. I bought it before the turn of events the last couple of days and planned on giving it to her this weekend as it is our 10 year anniversary of our first date.

It is something that I wanted to do for her to let her know that I care for her and love her etc. and also because gifts is one of her love languages.

I still want to give her the ring this weekend. My feelings for her have not changed over this new issue we are having. I cannot assume how she would feel because I am not a good mind reader; if I was I wouldn't be in this position.

I feel like staying the course with this gift and going with my feelings and intentions that I felt when I decided I wanted to do this is my best bet. If looking at long term goals and whom I want to be, I would be giving the ring to her. That is because I want to show her in a way that she understands how much I love and value her and women tend to like diamonds/jewelry.

I feel like not giving it to her would be giving into fear and not putting my emotions out there, hiding in fear or embarrassment. It would be more of the old me, not whom I want to become.

I don't want to give it to her after the date and have it be seen as a "reward" for staying, etc.

Opinions?