Retreat

[Underdog]

Mary,

He likes to lay close in spooning position and I dont let him spoon me Why? I understand not wanting to do it all night - I am someone who needs space in bed. But I would certainly want to give my H some physical affection without sex that allowed him to feel close to me and that I loved him. My XH is a cuddler. I get this. So you have to compromise.

I don't keep my car clean Umm, okay. I know people who feel that when you don't keep things clean and tidy, it means you're not grateful for the asset. But I'm not going to put any weight on this one at all.

I give him short notice when I have to work late Pretty damn inconsiderate, especially if you expect him to do this. I'm starting to get this. You have an infant. How do you expect to parent together with this dynamic?

I encouraged him to play more golf, and then complained when he did Passive aggressive. Hidden contract. Confusing and disrespectful and insincere.

I complain about how he spends time away from home Sounds like you act like your needs are the only ones that matter?

I interrupt him Irritating. Condescending. Gives people the feeling they don't matter.

I get on facebook in the bed when he wants to talk Wow. So basically you're telling him that computer friends mean more than your H. Tell me why you're upset that he's called it quits?

I question him in front of others Cheapens his value and probably makes him wonder why you want him as a husband.

In general, I try to one up him and be the alpha. I am a "leader" if you will, and try to lead our family, even though I expect him to.

Mary, this sounds like you have some serious issues that need to be addressed. And now. Before you can consider reconciling, we probably need to understand what underlying issues and fears you have that would make you think that anyone would want to be married to someone who acted this way?

I'm not saying these things to wield a 2x4, but to make it clear that I wouldn't want to be married to someone (or even in a friendship with someone) who did these things to me. I wouldn't even accept these behaviors from my kids. They are all things I did when I was a nasty 15 year old to my mom, and that my now 20 year old did when she was 17. The only reason my mom put up with me (and I put up with my D20) is because I was her daughter and she knew that I'd outgrow this sullen, petulant person and morph into a more reasonable person. And you have an infant. Do you really think this is acceptable?

So please elaborate on these things because they are really telling. How would your friends describe you? And how would you like for all of them to describe you?

Betsey