After a couple weeks of my W dangling divorce, moving out, and the OM in my face I decided that I had had enough. After dinner while helping to clean up the kitchen I began by asking her if she had found any new places to possibly move to. She said no, but that she was going to look into a place 25 min away. This was the place that she had originally looked to move to at the beginning of the month.
I then said that we needed to talk then about placement and what legally we need to do in regards to kids etc. She indicated that her lawyer had told her we could just file papers with the court on what we agreed to. I then asked if she was going to retain the lawyer she had met with. She said that she would probably write a check on Monday. I was friendly about that as I have a lawyer and want to make sure that she is represented to. Again this was one of the things that she has been dangling in my face trying to get a rise from me.
I then explained about my schooling and that despite what she thought/planned I would probably not need her help taking the kids to school in the morning. That didn't go over so well, she believes that despite being divorced and moving out that she would get to see the kids every morning and night. I indicated that this simply would not be the case, I want her to see the kids but she no longer gets to exclusively dictate how and when. (Her decision to walk away, my decision to set up some boundaries, and those include that if they are with me most of the time then I have the responsibility of getting them from place to place). She didn't like this very much but I explained that if she is choosing to continue down the road to divorce, that for both the kids’ sake and my own we needed to establish a new normal.
We agreed to look at things and see if there was another day in the week that she could have them for dinner. She told me “I guess we will see what your school schedule is”, to which I replied that “I already had it (yes I’m moving on with my life)”. She then got very emotional and began to tear up. She accused me of only going back to school full-time, and changing the schedule as a bid to get more child support. I calmly validated her emotions and her position but explained that I was going back to school to make a better life for myself. We discussed things further and then I had the opportunity to say something that my DB coach had told me to say “W I believe that divorce is not the solution to our problems. With that being said I love and respect you enough to let you go if that is what you choose.” She began to smirk a bit and I looked at her and said “Actually I really need to thank you. If you hadn't chosen to go down this path, then I would never have opened my mind to possibilities that nursing presents to me. So thank you.” No more smirk, just a look of shock.
I was then presented with an opportunity and I said to her “I understand that you have the right and choice to talk to whoever you would like. But I would appreciate it if you kept it down at night; your voice carries throughout the house.” She tried to interrupt by saying she was sorry she didn't realize and I continued “I hope that the kids have not heard some of the things that I have heard.” To which she asked what have you heard, and with perfect timing my daughters asked if I could come and play. She got very flushed and red, and I did not answer. There is simply no need to let her know what I have or have not heard, silence sometimes is golden. Again boundary set.
She was basically nonexistent the rest of the night, and I had a great evening with my D’s. I honestly and truly felt like I took my life back last night. I’m not scared of her moving out anymore. I have a great deal of compassion for the fact that she is so lost right now. While that hurts to see and I so very much want to fix it…. I know that I can’t. This is her path and her journey. I have walked through my own fire and feel that I am coming out the other side with a bright future ahead of me. Just thought that I would share… sorry this got so long, but I would love to heat what you think.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
