Oh Claire - I think I am exactly where you are. It's so difficult trying to get the balance right. Some vets on here advise keeping interactions to a minimum when there is an OP and others advise keeping the road home paved and smooth. It's so difficult to know how nice to be to our H's.
And I am also perplexed at my H's refusal to ask anything about my life or ask how I am. I wonder if he doesn't want to give me false hope as when he was extra nice to me a few months ago I did wonder if he was maybe changing a little. I know, no expectations.
I always follow your threads, and from what I've read I think you are a strong person and your D is so lucky to have you.
Take care
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
My older sister, who is a big supporter of DBing, is very pro-marriage and pro-family and thinks my H is being absolute baby right now, has told me very similar things as what Maybell and the other posters have said when I'm feeling the way you do (which is a lot). My H is supposed to come on Saturdays and be with the kids and on those days, since I freelance, I usually get out and get caught up on my work and get myself organized for the coming week (running errands, etc.). But when H came over the other day he just "told" me he had something he had to do for work on Saturday, so he was going to be cutting that day short and just coming over for a little while in the morning, and for him, the morning consists of anything after 10. I know that I am picking up most of the parenting slack. I know that it isn't fair. But on my worst days, when I'm crying and can't stop screaming how unfair this is, I call my sister, who says that I have two choices: to keep it together or to go crazy, and if I choose the latter, my life will still be there when I come out of it, only it will be much worse. This is all easier said than done, of course.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
And I'm also with you on how it doesn't seem fair that they can just leave and still have us helping them out with schedules, etc. I'm going to be perfectly honest, while I know, I know, I know, I know that my little ones having a healthy relationship with their dad is important no matter how I feel about the S/possible D, IMO, leaving your wife is leaving your family, no matter how many "visits" you schedule. My H says things like "look how well Christmas went! The kids were really happy! That shows the separation is working." But he isn't there when S4 is crying and asking why Daddy isn't here taking care of all of us anymore. Is there anything you can do to sort of "treat yourself" while also making your life easier? Hiring an extra sitter, or what I'm doing today, having someone come to clean the house. It makes me feel SO much better, which is good for the kids and good for all of us overall. It also reduces my stress and allows me to spend more time with them. You are having to do most of the "grunt work" of parenting right now, many of us LBS are. So do whatever you can to take care of you right now. That's all you can do. Not sure if this helped.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Thank goodness for all this great advice. H called to tell me his dad is having a health crisis. H is probably heading up to hospital 1 hr away. He's supposed to have D overnight but I am on my way home. Oh, and D is sick and is supposed to have her birthday party tomorrow.
So.i certainly had lots of chances to show empathy, compassion, flexibility and support.
Still screwed up though. ..asked if he could leave me the car--for D and the party. He went into three reasons why he needed it and I didn't. I feel like a jerk.
Feeling like I need some cheerleading and perhaps a bonk on the head.
WAH's dad is very ill, in hospital 1 hr away. WAH is also having health problems-- his foot is in a boot-- so it's hard for him to get around.
I've picked up the slack, parenting-wise, and have also shown empathy, inquired about his dad's health, offered words of support.
My mind went to a non-detached place today when he told me that he was up at the hospital without the car. Oh, I wondered, he got a ride? With whom? He's taking someone else--another woman??-- to see his ill father, to support him during this time? (I have no idea how he got to/from the hospital except that it was in a car). Big time spinning a story in my head, and of course it's a negative one. I didn't ask him about it at all, and he didn't tell me. (He usually mentions it when it's people I know, by the way). I just said, 'Oh, glad you found a ride.' No response.
And he's barely even telling me what's going on. But he's expecting me to just pick up all the parenting slack.
Yes, of course that is what I should do. That is what I would expect him to do if I was in his position. That is what my true, honest self tells me to do. I'm having trouble not attaching expectations to it.
I feel like such an awful person for not just being selfless towards him during this time.
My goal is to show selflessness to him with no expectations, without a desire to win him back, but just to be the best possible ME I can be...
This doesn't feel like a time when I should let him feel the natural consequences of his decision. I am better than that.
I am someone only a fool would walk away from. I am someone who will help in a time of need, without expectations.
All I can say is... hang in there. You're doing the best you can. Sorry to hear about your H's health problems and H's dad being in the hospital. My H's dad passed away less than a year after we were married and died with a lot of regrets—mostly about the way he handled things with his family. My H's brother and sister were barely speaking to him at the end and I was helping to take him to his doctor's appointments, where he would talk about what a wonderful woman H's mother was (whom he D when H was 1). People sometimes say H will regret this like his dad did, but that's not much comfort. I just want to keep my family together now and not have my kids come from a broken home.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
I guess I also think sometimes, why on earth would H want the life his dad had? He was miserable and in the end, didn't really have his family. Guess I hijacked your thready. Sorry.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Feeling like I need some cheerleading and perhaps a bonk on the head.
WAH's dad is very ill, in hospital 1 hr away. WAH is also having health problems-- his foot is in a boot-- so it's hard for him to get around.
I've picked up the slack, parenting-wise, and have also shown empathy, inquired about his dad's health, offered words of support.
My mind went to a non-detached place today when he told me that he was up at the hospital without the car. Oh, I wondered, he got a ride? With whom? He's taking someone else--another woman??-- to see his ill father, to support him during this time? (I have no idea how he got to/from the hospital except that it was in a car). Big time spinning a story in my head, and of course it's a negative one. I didn't ask him about it at all, and he didn't tell me. (He usually mentions it when it's people I know, by the way). I just said, 'Oh, glad you found a ride.' No response.
And he's barely even telling me what's going on. But he's expecting me to just pick up all the parenting slack.
Yes, of course that is what I should do. That is what I would expect him to do if I was in his position. That is what my true, honest self tells me to do. I'm having trouble not attaching expectations to it.
I feel like such an awful person for not just being selfless towards him during this time.
My goal is to show selflessness to him with no expectations, without a desire to win him back, but just to be the best possible ME I can be...
This doesn't feel like a time when I should let him feel the natural consequences of his decision. I am better than that.
I am someone only a fool would walk away from. I am someone who will help in a time of need, without expectations.
Claire, who do you want to be?
I know it's hard. BELIEVE ME, I know it's hard. It requires mindfulness and empathy even when you don't want to feel empathy. But how hurt would you be if your H resented you for his having to help parent his own child when your parent was very ill?
You've got SO MUCH resentment. I understand why. But is THAT the woman you really, really want to be? Or do you want to be a woman with a great life? A resilient woman who teaches her D resilience?
Have you seen 25's Amy Cuddy video yet?
Live forward.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You've got SO MUCH resentment. I understand why. But is THAT the woman you really, really want to be? Or do you want to be a woman with a great life? A resilient woman who teaches her D resilience?
Claire, I know you are having a hard time right now, so let's start with a hug. (((Claire)))
Now then....Maybell's right. There's no place in your glorious future for resentment, anger, bitterness. Leave them here. Move forward without them. Easier said than done, I know, but possible. You can do this, Claire.
