s for your h, I would put him on the back burner for now and start taking care of you.
it describes exactly what (alllllll my ramblings) could have in a few words. i swear- like yesterday - i got enough sleep- i'm sitting here in my fav plumpie rocking chair- feet up - by window looking at snow (a treat after years in fla). it's chillie but it's cozy & tree looks nice (even tho one darn string of lites pooped out his a.m.) and so very very nice & peaceful.
not one "life or death" situation on the horizon. some doozies that effect people i love - but not fatal.
i am sewing a little pleasurable project - ornamental only- not even a "mending pile" thing. i have a lovely cookie i just rooted up and i feel very okay.
i'll take it. i didn't say all that "junk" in my head for pity purposes- it's just i am aware of my own "junk' that's been bubbling around inside. it's not making me nuts or on my thoughts obsessivly, - but it's things "to be dealt with" that i shoved aside for years and just know it. in a background of life kind of way.
whatever else h is - loosely i view him as "protection" (from life?) for a bit? . don't ask me- i do not know what and why. i was mulling it around in brain last nite for a minute or two- WHAT it was i had from him at moment that made me not able to see leaving- it's that word that kept popping to mind. two of my sisters are in very bad financial difficulties - it's hard to know about and not feel lucky tojust have a roof over head, heat, food, etc. and be reasonably sure they will still be tehre tomorrow.
i just feel like i need some time off - everyone has soo much troubles in life - nobody seems to escape them
i was saying to gal next door last nite (her mom was in wheelchair last 6 yrs or so- seriously disabled from stroke, she'd come and go from pa and had caregivers here- nightmare for years (dad & brother died in last few yrs as well, she db'd herself for bunch of years, h is alcoholic but she's stayin put ) (we do "group therapy & wine") and I got saying to her: that maybe the problems her nephew was having that were worrying her were something like - he's always had to be "strong" for his ailing mom, and her and her mother - and maybe he just was trying to convey - "HEY - WHAT ABOUT ME" it may be the "sick" people that get alllll the attention & care- but i need it tooooooo.....
and got saying to myself and to her also- hey, maybe it's something like that with us too. she's having terrible time letting go of her mom's house- putting for sale and me too somewhat. it really is the la st "physical evidence" of our lives. memories and pictures are good - that symbol- home is a big big one- as you probably know.
I avoid the phone or people because i do think it'snice tolend an ear or a shoulder- but i do not have any answers for anhy of us and i get tired of being strong sometimes. i want to be invisible sometimes - regroup.
so- you have described EXACTLY what i'm feeling and where i think i am. i just all of a sudden find myself sooooooo "on cruise" i don't even know what to think, but am going with it.
thanks for note- it's always good to hear. the pulling the plug thing- i am only sorry massivly - that i left her at the hospital the night we took her there. she was aware & was signaling to me with her finger saying bye when i left - . i'm soooo dopey- my mother was totally wrecked and couldn't drive self home- and i didn't even think of calling a cab and sending her home - or going back myself.
that i do regret- (even knowing regrets are useless) there was no reason at all that i would suspect that i'd never see her awake again because the stinking hospital would intubate her and (inside- in my heart) damage her internally and render her comatose) no kidding- i'm not nuttie - but it is hard to let go of that notion that i should have been there to watch over her and "protect" her (i do know hospitals) yet i wasn't. we were so tired and wrecked - but it didn't occur to me i'd never talk to her again - - - and they had already put her on life support when they called at 4 am to ask permission (an orderly told me next day). it was the usual institutional fiasco- maybe or maybe not. will never know that one really.
but enough of that - i don't usually allow myself to go back there- i haven't really said this to anyone - it;s there tho. well, that and really "failing" her with her divorce. i never ever KNEW , as i surely do now - how it destroys you. she had a breakdown- mom "saved" her, etc.
usual baggage i'm sure everyone has - decisions for others. me, i'm tough and can take it i think, what i decide, if i cause myuself extra dificulty, etc. it's the thing of deciding for someone else that is the giant question-mark & burden.
i'm glad i cared for mom- all those decisions take their toll once it's allover and the adrenalin isn't coursing thru you 24-7 - - - - and of course- my stupid sisters allll being "unavailable" every single time- eveery disaster almost - not reachable. (i know- i'm letting go of resentment and anger because i have no energy to feel it anymore) good thing huh? - oh well
i am learning patience in life til i'm insane with it. every time my sister that had vendetta w/mom brags her head off about how much "she and i " have had to endure and do for mom(wtf???) and i don't knock her out- i am a better woman.
ho hum- i think i will go do something i want to rite now- something pleasant & pretty and just let the day flow by without acknowledging "chores".
if this guy is allowing me this time and $$ and easy pleasant life (lifestyle) i cannot bring self to say no. i do not care what the heck he is doing today and where - tho i do feel better when i've chatted with him. even if it's a giant "security blanket" i'll take it.
just don't care but glad of it and feeling nicely cozy...
xxoo love ya man- you may well be rite about the decision being medically sound. we just do our best at the moment don't we- with what (me, five drs told me) we are told - and what we know of the patient - and that is that. Its the emotions leftover from the panic nature of the crises that would make one doubt or re-visit it. I hate making decisions in haste - have gotten okay in life telling myself they were best decision i could make at the time) i've done well so far keeping it away and knowing i made best decision i could. but, the not staying- it was a bad bad misstep. oh well huh... like, why should i be super human? ya gotta wonder???
and you are rite- her life may not have gotten better. she was a "brooder" and the things that happened in her life just knocked the stuffing out of her- one by one. she was not "up to the fight" somepeople aren't. it makes me be extra sure to not pile too much on myself when there is any possible "out" around. i mean, who am i to thinjk there couldn't be a combination of events that would drive me to drink? no one special - just like anyone else out there alive. i think anyone that says it's unthinkable hasn't witnessed it & might be fool hearty. but everyone has their limit. i do look out for self in that regard - but you know me- pollyanna that i am- always thinking that "in the end" things come around. maybe crazy- terminal optimism or hope - who knows???
okay, thanks again- i'm outta here. this "strong " one is tired - today i'm the invisible guy.
