Jim, its done and dusted, its in the past. Use this as lesson. Keep going at DB as best you can. I might have down the same thing but if you find nothing, it will won't make you happy and if you find something it won't make you happy.
Not one, we all have been there, sometimes find myself checking stuff. It's radom with me, I don't do analytical type thinking. It's more all over the shop pretty much.
Mostly I don't care to check if he's lieing, I just look at his liars letter and I know how much is fictional.
It's total fiction.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
yup gg rd all right, Jim you are not the one sole person who looked at something they shouldnt have done. My whole sitch started (from my perspective) when I opened a letter (postal redirect) addressed to w. I dont - think - i did that deliberately as it was to her but because it had big letters POSTAL REDIRECTION on it but I certainly wouldnt swear to that!
Whenever s mentions something going on at grandmas or that MIL said to w and I dont stop him im just as culpable.
We're all human mate and worse hurt or feeling frightened or lost at some point in this point in our lives. Give yourself a break. OK?
Edz
Last edited by edz; 01/09/1501:38 PM.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I'm just annoyed at myself. I've had plenty of opportunities to look and done a good job of not looking, then to backslide like this is very frustrating
But to be honest the bigger issue is that I was caught doing it because it left evidence. Trust is a big issue for my W, She doesnt trust me at all and any progress I'd made has been completely undone - by a stupid lack of impulse control I may as well barricaded the door closed.
I might be able to forgive me but my W won't. I'm really kicking myself about this.
Right now what I want is to not want to save my marriage anymore - I'm tired of being made miserable by this and having these impulses that in the past never would have crossed my mind
But the reality is that it is still what I want and this 'slip' has been incredibly detrimental to that goal. I might have got her to believe I can change but i cant see how I undo this breach of trust, or more importantly regain her trust enough.
My W hasnt said anything but her mood immediately worsened afterward and she has basically glared at me since and asked 15-20 times for me to chase my solicitors on the move (I've agreed everytime). She wont confront me because i'd just deny it.
Oh yes and she is still implying I've hidden her trousers.
Last edited by jim0987; 01/09/1504:01 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
If it's any help, one way I control my impulses is to grant myself permission to do "it" but later. Like: "Oh, her phone is available. I could take a look. Sure will, in a minute." Of course, a minute later I came to my senses. It separates the desire from the moment. Whatever works for you...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I agree with what everyone before me said. Don't beat yourself up too much. It was a slip. I understand your frustration with yourself, but I am sure we have all slipped on one thing or another. Hang in there!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks all for the words of support - I'm trying not to beat myself up to much about this and by my standards i'm quite restrained.
I actually find myself envious of my wifes emotional state and her cool detachedness through this, she seems entirely in control of herself, her emotions (and unfortunately me)
I have thought about my behaviour since BD and for all of the GAL, and postive attitude I've displayed my lack of detachment and the crazy, borderline stalking behaviour I've engaged in can only have heightened my wife's sense of fear and mistrust. I needed to GAL and I needed to show positive sides but fundamentally I needed to help her feel safe with me.
As much as i dont like it, Mozza was right a long time ago when he said the best thing for me and my sanity will be when my wife moves out.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I think it will be good for your detachment, forget the sanity!
If she hasn't raised the sneaking peaking, leave it. Don't do it again. She might not notice or she might write it off to systems issues. If she left it deliberately then who knows.
Just leave it alone, shrug those shoulders and smile. Let it go, it's done. C'est la vie, force majeur, completed, past.
Wistfully
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/09/1505:06 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
And I think you know what I think about making your own space yours matey (whips out interior design book)
(Reallly....do...need....to...go...to...food shopping........but looking at lashing rain erp )
Last edited by edz; 01/09/1506:02 PM.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I got home tonight and first question was about my solicitors. I answered factually but not in the way she wanted
Asked about her day with the kids, gave ne a very brief summary then told me how she wasn't going to ask for half the money toward S1s new shoes (glossed over all the stuff I pay for then - my issue isn't the money its the tone of martyrdom)
My response was to say nothing because I was annoyed - I should have said thank you because I'm grateful for her sorting his shoes out (she takes good care of the kids) equally I should have offered half before she had a chance to say anything. I'll say thanks when she gets back from the gym.
Generally though she is just seething at me, nothing rude just nothing friendly. 24 hrs ago we were chatting reasonably so definitely think she knows about the snooping.
She couldn't find her gym clothes and stopped one step short of accusing me of hiding her stuff to stop her going. After a bit of thinking I said they were probably hanging up in the laundry room, and they were but the seething stayed. Its like she thinks I'm gaslighting her.
She is doing so much stuff now to make herself happy and I can't help but go 'why didn't you do this before?' (In my head obviously) I know her answer would be that I didn't let her but it's just not true. And its immensely frustrating that I see the only thing that stopped us being happy was us silently throwing blame around. And she is blaming me for it.
The kids bedtime was just odd with wife half involved then talking about keeping out of the way. Both kids wanted mummy and D3 told me that mummy is her favourite and she loves mummy more than Daddy. I think my lower moods mean I haven't been as much fun for the last few months.
Anyway I really need to detach.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
(whips out interior design book)
)