I think I need to get NMMNG back onto my radar. It's been a somewhat dormant item on my 180 list for a couple of months, although I have been trying to apply some things I remember.
First, I need to confess a recent Mr. Nice Guy setback, and get feedback from the gallery.
This goes back to something I wrote on Monday. WAW had D2 Sunday night, and D2 was up all night with a cough. It caused WAW to have a late morning with her. She called me in the morning to tell me about the night, and suggested that D2 see a doctor that day. I volunteered to take her. She asked if I could just pick her up from her apartment since she was going to be so late to work. I agreed, assuming I would be able to go directly to the doctor (I usually can with no more than 30 minutes waiting). But I immediately called to schedule an appt and they didn't have an opening until mid-afternoon. I called WAW and told her to just take D2 to school (she didn't have a fever) due to the late appt. But WAW played an old card on me, that I've since learned works on Mr. Nice Guy's: Making it a conflict, getting agitated, making me feel like a jerk. She said, "I'm not going to be at work until 11:00!" I caved and picked up D2. I loved helping D2, but I should not have given in to that. Forget everything about her choosing this living arrangement...it would have only been fair for her to take D2 to school and be late to work, since I was going to the doctor with her later. Instead, I was the one late to work AND I was taking the afternoon off to take her to the doctor. To be clear, I'm not patting myself on the back, I'm hitting myself with a 2x4. It was lame of me to give in to that tactic just to try to be liked (or more accurately, not not liked). That kind of conflict avoidance builds resentment in me and makes her lose respect for me, whether she realizes it or not.
Feedback needed on the following...
What I believe I should have said was, "I'm sorry you had such a rough night with D2. But it is your morning to take D2 to school, and since I am taking the afternoon off to take her to the doctor, I need to get to work ASAP."
Thoughts? I am re-reading NMMNG and this convo popped into my head during Ch. 1. I guess I'm glad I am recognizing my failure, that I'm not out of the woods with MNG syndrome.
I will say that I have been less of a MNG at work. Here are a couple of examples of behavioral changes at work:
NMMNG Work Sitch #1 - Colleague sent out an e-mail to several people with an idea to solve a problem we've been having. I quickly knew why this wouldn't work. That's not to be big-headed...my colleague is brilliant, but he is an electrical guy, and I am mechanical. This was a mechanical situation. And as brilliant as he is when it comes to electronics, we joke that he is not allowed to touch any tools that move In the past, I would have either avoided addressing it at all, letting the colleague waste his time before realizing the futility, or I would have quietly went to someone else above us to inform them and let them do the idea-squashing. Instead, I wrote a professional response that acknowledged the innovative idea but also hashed out why it is not a realistic solution. Before I wrote the e-mail, I thought of one of the suggestions in NMMNG - I can't find the verbatim quote, but it said something like: Try doing something that feels totally out of your comfort zone. You might even end up crossing the line and truly being a jerk in that situation, but do it anyway. Watch what happens and you'll see that it is not as bad as you fear. When my colleague read the e-mail, he was definitely surprised that I spoke out against his idea. He wasn't mad, he just jokingly said, "Thanks, party pooper!" I laughed and just said I think it would have wasted your time, but it was a unique idea. And that was that!
NMMNG Work Sitch #2 - This actually happened yesterday. There is a sales guy, who works at a satellite office, that is notorious for being out of touch with the dynamics of our headquarters, who has what responsibilities, etc. As opposed to learning exactly who needs to address different types of problems, he typically will throw a problem at 10 different people because he knows someone will eventually handle it. Yesterday, he scheduled a conference call with about 8 different people to solve a problem that is really my job, and my job alone. Previously, since I knew that several people on his invite really don't like him, and I knew that they would reject his invite, I probably would have laid back and let them squash the meeting. Instead, I realized that the problem was my responsibility to solve, so I sent a response saying that I didn't believe the rest of the people were needed in the meeting. This may not have been as conflictive as Sitch #1, but it was still a little unnatural for me to write that. I've yet to see what the response to that is, but I don't fear seeing my inbox in the morning.
But I do need to get more serious with eliminating MNG syndrome from my life. After reading Ch. 1 again, I realize I need to find a MNG accountability partner IRL.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
In the past, I would have either avoided addressing it at all, letting the colleague waste his time before realizing the futility, or I would have quietly went to someone else above us to inform them and let them do the idea-squashing. Instead, I wrote a professional response that acknowledged the innovative idea but also hashed out why it is not a realistic solution. Before I wrote the e-mail, I thought of one of the suggestions in NMMNG - I can't find the verbatim quote, but it said something like: 