Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[HPoirot]

Hello claire, Calibri, and MCS. S12 is in bed now.

MCS, you're talking about the conversation I had with W on the phone? I don't know what happened. I'm writing what I'm feeling.

Hello claire. Those are very sobering examples and yes death is horrible. Somehow, at least for me, death, maybe b/c it's an irreversible one time event, is easier to accept than continuing betrayal that can be changed. And yes that is the issue that I stick on... the thing that I put in the way of doing something as simple as being cordial to another human being that I've known for 20 years. That is what wakes me up at 3:30 in the morning. That is the problem I have to solve or get over minute to minute.

If that was simply gone... this would be different for me. Forgiveness I see clearly now is hard for me in the absence of remorse. I'm sure that means it's not forgiveness. So, I don't accept someone who has wronged me without seeing remorse or at least seeing them pay. That is the character flaw I'm not so well dealing with.

So Calibri yes, when my W is describing how S12 is feeling... she should be upset b/c it's upsetting. Her acting businesslike or like nothing is wrong or like supermom is what bothers me b/c there's no remorse showing for what she's doing.

If she asked to come in the condo for dinner like nothing was wrong... I'd throw her the hell out. But if she hung her head and showed remorse... then sure have some lasagne.

My W is having an A and, while sad and conflicted and maybe torn, is not remorseful. Is accepting sending her son to therapy and hearing him say terrible things to her and being a part time parent. She's accepting thinking that her H hates her and let him take her son and leave her home. Is accepting schlepping her son for hours in traffic to school after he didn't get a good nights sleep b/c crying baby. Is accepting potentially ruining her and her family's financial future. Is accepting that she has no home when there is a home right here with people who want her here.

But I guess one person here... me... doesn't want her enough to act cordial for 2 minutes. Doesn't want her enough to forgive her or even act like he forgives her for the length of a basketball game. Or he doesn't have enough faith to believe that doing so will get him what he wants. To not be rejected by his W for someone else.

Ouch.