I started a reply a couple of days ago but deleted it.
I wanted to thank maybell, rpp and seaspin for replying to my question.
I've been reading (and posting a bit) on other people's threads but have had no motivation to post on mine. I feel like I have nothing to say.
Maybell's recent posts have really resonated with me. I've been thinking a lot about whether I was ever really happy with my H. It's hard to recall. I can only remember when I felt slighted, dismissed, disrespected, bullied.
He essentially told me that he didn't really respect me during our M. A few months ago, when we had a conversation, he said he had noticed my changes, and said he has more respect for me now than he ever did. yep. So, all those times when I felt disrespected by him... I wasn't imagining it. He didn't respect me. That makes me feel like such a fool. And it makes me so angry.
I think about how he made a unilateral decision-- no more kids, because "*he* couldn't go through that again". And whenever I would suggest that we needed to talk to someone, he would dismiss that idea, saying that I was making too big a deal out of normal things.
I think about how a week before he left me, I told him I was worried about that. And he said he had considered it, but was not planning to do that. And then a week later he walked out on me.
He wants me to be flexible and amicable and easy to divorce- while he can barely say hello to me and never even asks me anything about my life. He can't even muster a "how are you?"
I still have so much anger. I act polite and friendly towards him, but I think he is such a total jerk.
25 years gave her M a 10% chance. I think I'm at 0%. Because I don't think I should have married him in the first place. I don't think he was ever right for me. I cannot imagine feeling an emotional connection to him again. I'm not sure how I could ever trust him again. I did everything I possibly could have done. My conscience is clear. But it still feels heart-breaking.
Oh Claire, everything you've said really resonates with me. I've not been at it as long as you but this:
Quote:
25 years gave her M a 10% chance. I think I'm at 0%. Because I don't think I should have married him in the first place. I don't think he was ever right for me. I cannot imagine feeling an emotional connection to him again. I'm not sure how I could ever trust him again. I did everything I possibly could have done. My conscience is clear. But it still feels heart-breaking.
Feels directly out of my head. I'm not sure we ever had more than a semi-shallow emotional connection at best, despite what I told myself. We had good times but way more tumultuous times, anger, frustration, disrespect, contempt. None of this is fun or easy, that's for sure. Good times, respectful times are ahead, even if only from ourselves.
I've been reading 25's posts, and DR and trying to sort all this through in my head. For a while today, I was totally frustrated... it feels like he has this tone of entitlement when it comes to schedule changes-- at least ones that involve his work. Something about the way he phrases it really bugs me. (I paraphrased a bit, but left in the phrases that really bugged me)
"I will miss Thursday, but I can ask the babysitter"
"I have another one day trip coming up in the next few weeks, but I'm not sure which week or which day."
And there will be another longer trip within the next month or so.
"And, another trip for a conference early Feb. It's 4 days, and this trip, in addition to the other longer trip above, will create the most potential responsibility for you. Please let me know if I should help you find a sitter for the Monday of this trip." (My italics added).
First, I felt so annoyed.
Then, on my way home today, I thought I should set a clear boundary. Something like, 'I know you didn't mean it to sound this way, but when you phrase schedule changes that way, it feels disrespectful. From now on, I'll respond to requests for schedule changes that are phrased as requests.' (But that sounded too bi*chy, and I couldn't think of how else to say it.)
Then, I read something from MWD about It Takes one to Tango.. and 25years about keeping the road home paved and smooth, and I thought about how long she stood. But how do I do that without feeling like a pushover? It's been a long time for me. Not much has changed. The last time he reached out to me in any way other than scheduling or divorce logistics was September.
And I just feel lost and confused and alone again. I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to who won't just say, "He's a jerk. Get rid of him and move on."
It feels so disrespectful and belittling to me when he just assumes that I am the backup caretaker of our daughter, that I don't have any other plans, or that taking away my free nights/mornings has no impact that needs to be acknowledged.
I want to scream at him.
It turns out that I DO have plans for the Sunday he plans to go to this conference. But he doesn't even ASK.
I know I can only control me. I know I have to act according to my values and goals. But his sense of entitlement-- that he can leave me, and still act as though I will automatically pick up any parenting slack-- infuriates me. I am not his partner. He has lost that convenience.
I'm tempted to try something different-- to tell him that I am still processing my feelings, and need us to speak to a counselor to help me move forward with him as a co-parent. That we need help learning to communicate about this. He doesn't think there is any problem. He thinks we communicate well. (That's because I've mostly STFU and been someone only a fool would leave. But it's clear I'm harboring some resentment, so I need to address that.)
I'm totally rambling. I sound like such a broken record, I've been trying to figure out how to deal with this cr@p for months and months. And I still feel so stuck. I guess that is why I'm still here.
conference early Feb. It's 4 days, and this trip, in addition to the other longer trip above, will create the most potential responsibility for you. Please let me know if I should help you find a sitter for the Monday of this trip." (My italics added).
That last sentence is just what you say to him. The first one is him showing he sees a problem and is being responsible about solving it.
And no, he hasn't lost the right to your partnership *in raising your daughter*. On that, yes, you will need to find a way to coparent for a lot longer than fifteen years. It's cr@ppy, but you have to choose -- am I going to fight the inevitable, or am I going to respond to my circumstances with grace and generosity? Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt?
When you get mad at him for the parenting stuff, sometimes I feel like you're acting out your anger for him abandoning the marriage rather than really angry with what's going on. I understand that. I really do. but how long do you want to live in that atmosphere?
You seem stuck, my dear. What's up?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
He and I are simply business partners. I want someone to share my family and my life with. I hate pretending that I'm totally fine when really I think he is such a stupid jerk.
Yesterday was his birthday. Hmmm.... probably has something to do with all this.... ;-)
Can I say something like this:
"I know you didn't mean it this way, but it feels disrespectful when you assume that I will automatically cover any parenting changes. From now on, please pose those as requests. Please assume that your schedule changes will conflict with my life, and that accommodating your schedule will impact my life and plans in a significant way."
You are just business partners. You need to detach from all this nuance. Asking for him to use specific language is controlling. If he legitimately can't cover his days because of a work obligation, why shouldn't he assume that his daughter can live with her mother?
Do you have a family calendar? H and I share a Google calendar. I put work events on the family one and so does he. That way we can see if there are gaps.
H is traveling almost this whole month. (That's a whole other story). He announced it, told me he was giving me back to back weekends and then taking back to back weekends, and said nothing about missing the weekdays he ought to be spending with the kids. I could sulk over the way that impacted me -- and believe it, it has. But really, do I want to spend emotional energy that way?
I have not DB'd the way so many around here do. I can just barely muster a small smile for him if I spend less than ten minutes around him. I feel a physical revulsion at the idea of sharing anything personal at all with him. But I can be friendly and even validating about the co-parenting. Because I know how much smoother it makes my kids' lives. My cousins had to have separate reception rooms for their mom and dad at their weddings because their relationship was so tense. That is the height of selfishness to me. Can you disengage your relationship with your H from the relationship with your daughter's father to avoid that kind of tug of war with him? He is who he is. Just accept that guy.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You are just business partners. You need to detach from all this nuance. Asking for him to use specific language is controlling. If he legitimately can't cover his days because of a work obligation, why shouldn't he assume that his daughter can live with her mother?
Claire, sorry I see it this way too. Your H may not have asked well but I don't think he meant any harm by it. The finer techniques of phrasing is something you guys can work on later. For now, let your H ask awkwardly and focus on what's best for your D. You have too many years in front of you to get caught up in anger and resentment this early. Your D doesn't deserve that.
Ok. I'm going to try it your way, Maybell. Detached, and supportive of his work, which still gives me a roof over my head.
Please know that for the most part, I am friendly towards him. I smile when he comes to the door, I ask him how his latest ailment is doing (he's not been very healthy), I have on my PMA whenever I see him.
I think my anger is coming from having expectations--that he'll change, that he'll be as nice to me as I am to him, that he'll realize how awesome I am. Yowzer. Gotta drop those.
You've had a front row seat to my drama - I'm surprised you'd call it easy!! it's not, but if the choice is to hang on till your hands bleed, or let go and heal, then letting go is better for everyone. Especially the innocent bystanders.
You almost got there a few months ago. What happened?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I want someone to share my family and my life with.
Me, too, Claire. But my H has chosen not to be that someone. And right now, I'm not suitable material to go out looking for someone new. I have some work to do on me first.
I've always told my daughters that they needed to live on their own as young women, learn how to take care of themselves, before they got married. And lo and behold I'm back there again. I need to learn to live on my own before I try to do anything serious with another guy.
I get that you want a relationship, someone to love you, to support you, to share those ups and downs with, someone just to share in the sheer physical work of having a 3yo. But you are strong, Claire. Enjoy your own strength for now. Embrace Claire.
it's not, but if the choice is to hang on till your hands bleed, or let go and heal, then letting go is better for everyone. Especially the innocent bystanders.