Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[Wonka]

HP,

Believe it or not, you DO have influence on this process through your words and actions (and inaction). First and foremost important step is to find your own center. Then the rest will flow much easily...I didn't say that it will be easy on you.

My son is my priority but yes in my anger and focus on my hurt I did make serious mistakes today.

Work through that anger...let it go. Continue holding onto it is like drinking poison and expecting W to die. Nope, it's only hurting you.

I did leave a message for the IC specifically saying what my son said. I will follow-up in the morning.

I'm glad to hear this. Stay on top of this issue and be sure to collaborate with W on this. United front to ensure that S11's emotional needs are addressed in healthy ways.

I did see I was too happy to see S12 say what he wanted to say to W.

Why were you "too happy" in this scenario? What did you hope to gain by this?

About S12's telling me his problem with the schedule and his basketball game... I did take your advice and decide to go to his game and told him so. Please know that I do listen very closely to you 25 and Wonka. I could not have made it this far without you. I have moments of doubt like my post saying I wouldn't go. I've never missed one of his games and I won't start now.

As I've said previously, always do the right thing by your son. ALWAYS.

I did not like the businesslike way she described what was happening to our son in her VM.

Why not? How/What did you 'expect' W to "behave" on the phone?

And yes I was too happy S12 showed his mom his anger and I did leak snark and satisfaction all over that last post b/c I was focused on my W getting taught a hard painful lesson instead of where it should always be... on my son crying for help.

You keep getting in the way of the process every single time you "desire" for W to 'learn the consequences" of her choices. How's that working out for ya?!! Not very well at all. Get the f@ck out of the way and life will take care of the "lesson" for her. Not your job.

When he came in, he was wearing a new pair of expensive basketball sneakers his mom bought him.

You have an odd way of noticing things that have no bearing on e sitch such as "dirty laundry" and "expensive sneakers." Why's that, HP?

He said they talked he felt better about his mom.

It's good to hear. Now, don't you dare to try and pump S11 for more info on what transpired between them. Not your business.

Then I called W. Asked her what she thought about S12. She talked for a long time. I did not say anything against anything she said and there was plenty I didn't like. I just let her talk.

I sense that you're deliberately leaving out the contents of what she said because you don't want to hear them or it contradicts your own narrative. Which is which, HP?

She said she knows she's the bad parent and didn't try to convince S12 otherwise. That he's right to feel everything he feels. That she thinks therapy will help him.

She's right in that S11 has every perfect right those feelings. I am glad to see that she's on board with S11 seeing a therapist. I did when my parents were divorcing when I was 11. I helped me tremendously.

She talked a lot about us being more civil. Her example was when she came to the condo door. S12 wanted her to come inside and have dinner. She told him she couldn't b/c she had to go back to the school for a function instead of "your dad F*cking hates me right now." She told him one day she and me would be friends again. I didn't say anything to that.

Why not? I think it would have been humbling to own your part in this and say that you wish to be civil as well. How hard is that??

She also said... S12 told her he didn't like how she was acting overly happy... her supermom thing. He said she should be acting how things really are. She thought she was doing him a favor. Instead, he said that's why he preferred being around me. I was listening to him and how he felt and wasn't acting like nothing is wrong. She said she would do better to listen to him instead of trying to fix him.

Like!! She's now aware of how S11 really feels and I sense that she will be making more of an effort in that direction.

I didn't say hardly anything while she talked the whole time. Some very long pauses. Then she asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about or say. After a long pause I said no, I'm going to get off the phone. She said how much she appreciated talking with me and she hopes we can do it again. She wants to talk and it meant a lot to her that we got to talk. She thanked me for talking to her. I hung up.

It would have helped to say something like this:

W, I am glad we had this conversation about S11 even if it was difficult for all of us. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me and I know it cannot be easy for you at all. I will keep you posted on S11's appointment with IC. I'll be at the ball game. Take care.

I'm angry that my W didn't even think of saying lets get together and work something out. That I couldn't ask her to come home with us and let's all heal together. That our solutions to this horrible problem could be so different. Like so many other people here... why make this so hard. Is what you're trying to do making you happy now?

One thing she said is... she knows what S12 is going through from the divorces her mom went through. She knows how painful this is. But not enough to come heal your family? She called me a great father. Not enough. Not enough to come here right now and be with her son?

I don't understand.

You need to understand that a WAW will not feel this way as long as she has negative views and feelings about you and the M. It will take a long time for her to get to a positive frame of mind. Right now, she isn't feeling too good about the M because it is more of the same.

It's on you to change the dynamic. Through your actions, behaviors, words, and patterns.

Do you now see how your behaviors repulse W and not drawing her in?