Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[Calibri]

About the IC... I was recommending the IC for S12 to see, not for W to see. It surprised me that W made an appointment to see her. I didn't recognize it was a mistake to tell W I was seeing an IC.

I don't think it's a mistake that you're telling her you're seeing someone. It was a mistake to tell her who. I'm surprised your therapist agreed to see her. Most would avoid seeing a separated spouse of a client due to a conflict of interest. At least around here.

And on the her schedules yes I feel frustrated and at the same time vindicated when they fail. I know that is wrong. I do hate that S12 is subjected to her planning. At the same time... he wants to be with his mom. I quoted "stability" yes in anger regarding how she's going about all this. I did not like the businesslike way she described what was happening to our son in her VM.

And had she not been business like, likely you would be criticizing her for not taking it seriously. Or being "super mom"

And yes I was too happy S12 showed his mom his anger and I did leak snark and satisfaction all over that last post b/c I was focused on my W getting taught a hard painful lesson instead of where it should always be... on my son crying for help.

When things have a chance to settle back in, you need to talk to you IC and explore this more. Very very concerning.

Then I called W. Asked her what she thought about S12. She talked for a long time. I did not say anything against anything she said and there was plenty I didn't like.

Well, no surprise there. Can you give an example of what you didn't like? And why you didn't like it?

She talked a lot about us being more civil. Her example was when she came to the condo door. S12 wanted her to come inside and have dinner. She told him she couldn't b/c she had to go back to the school for a function instead of "your dad F*cking hates me right now." She told him one day she and me would be friends again. I didn't say anything to that.

Well, she's right isn't she? You won't let her in the condo, you won't talk to her, you pawn off messages through S 12.........

Had S12 come to you, after this afternoon and said, "I really would like mom to have dinner with us." What would you have done? Be completely honest.

I didn't say hardly anything while she talked the whole time. Some very long pauses. Then she asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about or say. After a long pause I said no, I'm going to get off the phone. She said how much she appreciated talking with me and she hopes we can do it again. She wants to talk and it meant a lot to her that we got to talk. She thanked me for talking to her. I hung up.

Seriously? Seriously!?! So if I'm reading this correctly, you call your W because your son is making serious statements that need immediate attention, because the two of you are separated and what not, and you let her do all the talking but essentially pat yourself on the back because you talked to her on the phone and didn't disagree with what she had to say? Please, please tell me you had more I put or it was a more productive conversation than "you hardly said anything and there were long pauses."

I'm angry that my W didn't even think of saying lets get together and work something out.

Well how the hell could she? You won't let her in the front door physically or emotionally or anything. You've made it abundantly clear how displeased you are with her. Yeah, she could've said "let's work on this" but you know, the road home isn't exactly paved and smooth right now.

That I couldn't ask her to come home with us and let's all heal together.

So why can't you?

One thing she said is... she knows what S12 is going through from the divorces her mom went through. She knows how painful this is. But not enough to come heal your family? She called me a great father. Not enough. Not enough to come here right now and be with her son?

Hi pot, meet the kettle. You're so fixated on what your wife is doing wrong, that you fail to look at the contributions you've made as well. You're angry that she let y'all leave. You're angry that she's not reacting the way you feel she would react. You're angry and you keep feeding the monster.

I don't understand.

I think w could come in and throw herself on a sword to apologize and you'd be pissed that she stained your carpet.

You both need to put aside your [censored] and take your son and his thoughts seriously. I don't understand why throughout this whole post, your focus STILL remains on how W disappoints you, how she's not handling the situation the way you would, and you gloss over S12. Why aren't we hearing How you're feeling about hearing what your son said? How you can improve. How you can out aside your differences to work with your W. How you can put aside your anger until you can work on it.

That's what I don't understand. It's your thread, you can post whatever you want, but when does it become HP's thoughts and reflections and not HP rants about his wife.


You have a tough road ahead, and I hope that you, your W and s12 can navigate it together.