I've been reading 25's posts, and DR and trying to sort all this through in my head. For a while today, I was totally frustrated... it feels like he has this tone of entitlement when it comes to schedule changes-- at least ones that involve his work. Something about the way he phrases it really bugs me. (I paraphrased a bit, but left in the phrases that really bugged me)
"I will miss Thursday, but I can ask the babysitter"
"I have another one day trip coming up in the next few weeks, but I'm not sure which week or which day."
And there will be another longer trip within the next month or so.
"And, another trip for a conference early Feb. It's 4 days, and this trip, in addition to the other longer trip above, will create the most potential responsibility for you. Please let me know if I should help you find a sitter for the Monday of this trip." (My italics added).
First, I felt so annoyed.
Then, on my way home today, I thought I should set a clear boundary. Something like, 'I know you didn't mean it to sound this way, but when you phrase schedule changes that way, it feels disrespectful. From now on, I'll respond to requests for schedule changes that are phrased as requests.' (But that sounded too bi*chy, and I couldn't think of how else to say it.)
Then, I read something from MWD about It Takes one to Tango.. and 25years about keeping the road home paved and smooth, and I thought about how long she stood. But how do I do that without feeling like a pushover? It's been a long time for me. Not much has changed. The last time he reached out to me in any way other than scheduling or divorce logistics was September.
And I just feel lost and confused and alone again. I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to who won't just say, "He's a jerk. Get rid of him and move on."
It feels so disrespectful and belittling to me when he just assumes that I am the backup caretaker of our daughter, that I don't have any other plans, or that taking away my free nights/mornings has no impact that needs to be acknowledged.
I want to scream at him.
It turns out that I DO have plans for the Sunday he plans to go to this conference. But he doesn't even ASK.
I know I can only control me. I know I have to act according to my values and goals. But his sense of entitlement-- that he can leave me, and still act as though I will automatically pick up any parenting slack-- infuriates me. I am not his partner. He has lost that convenience.
I'm tempted to try something different-- to tell him that I am still processing my feelings, and need us to speak to a counselor to help me move forward with him as a co-parent. That we need help learning to communicate about this. He doesn't think there is any problem. He thinks we communicate well. (That's because I've mostly STFU and been someone only a fool would leave. But it's clear I'm harboring some resentment, so I need to address that.)
I'm totally rambling. I sound like such a broken record, I've been trying to figure out how to deal with this cr@p for months and months. And I still feel so stuck. I guess that is why I'm still here.
