Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

[TLEE86]

Journaling...

Not a good day today, feeling incredibly stressed.

Work:

I will be gone in the field for the next 3 out of 4 weeks, starting Monday, and this cycle will continue until beginning of June. I don't know what to do about my dogs. It is incredibly expensive to continuously board them, not to mention unhealthy for them. My neighbors help out, but there's only so much they can do for that long of a time.

Finances:

My pay is getting cut, because since I moved to a different unit/location, I don't get a lot of the same special pays for my job or location I did when I was in a different unit. By cut, I mean significantly, over $1600 a month- YEA, pretty rough. Makes boarding the dogs even harder

Me:

Because my work schedule is so incredibly stupid, back to waking up at 4:15, coming home by 8pm, I don't have the time nor the energy to make myself dinner. I'm losing weight and not working out as hard as I used to. Im thinking of dedicating one day on the weekend to prep food for the week and figure it out that way.

Wife:

Personally, I don't think your W is going to be ready for the R talk for awhile. She's gotta figure herself out. She has to prove to herself, and perhaps you, that she can do everything she wants to do.

She sounds indecisive as all get out. Like you said below, she wants to be own her own but she wants the perks of the M. But without being M. I feel like I'm stirring the pot here. Hopefully someone else can give you perspective.

You're right. And you know what? I'm terrified.

On average, things are positive, but I feel like they have been stagnant and nothings really changed for about 2 months now. We are in constant communication, texts/calls. But she is still hesitant to see me. DB says, when it doesn't work anymore, try something different. Idk if its "not working" as it is...its just stalled. We go through the usual, some days she talks more than others, but theres not much to change there. I don't want this to be what our M has come to. Like C said, seems like W wants perks of M without being M.

Lessons Learned recently:

1. Being a stay at home mom (SAHM? is that right?) is DIFFICULT. You get no appreciation for what you are doing, until you are no longer there. I was so used to coming home late at night, and expecting dinner on the table. Yes I said thank you but i never realized you know what? The dogs are fed, they are walked and taken care of when I am not home, dinner is made, my lunch is packed, someone actually cares about me and greets me at the door. I wish I appreciated her more. I feel like a (censored) a$$hole

2. How my W feels/felt, about not being good enough or smart enough because she didnt have a degree or "brought anything to the table" is exactly how I felt before I completed Ranger School. I felt inferior to everyone else because it was expected of me. I dedicated so much time and energy to that school and work and W took the brunt of my frustrations. And you know what? It wasn't worth it. Not to me.

I am terrified because I see my old self in my W right now. Care about nothing but yourself. Focus so much on finding yourself, and making it on your own, proving to everyone but most importantly yourself, that you are good enough. W actually told me today that she feels that this internship right now, is "her Ranger School." Sounds like just something she has to do. So as I said previously, I have realized that this journey is going to be incredibly long. And it scares me.

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Debating on if I should talk to W about my stresses. She has said in the recent past that she feels distant when we hold things back from each other and how she always feels like I am so "put together," but honestly its because I never tell her anything. And that was a huge issue in our M. But I don't know if this is a good 180 to do, expressing my stresses about work/$/everything besides the M to her, because aren't we supposed to appear like everything is ok?