I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

I'll have to think about your thoughts on this. Why do I want to be his friend? Because I can't be his wife right now, and I still love him and want to be close to him that way. My feelings about "very good friend"--I am starting to think it was really nothing more than a friendship and that he is pissed that I asked her about it because he liked the fact that I was jealous but now another person got dragged in. Do I think there is someone else? Not really as far as a relationship, but I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't hooking up--meaningless flings maybe. The nights he goes out and doesn't come home don't make sense for the "very good friend" she lives far away, has 3 kids who need her home, and is dealing with her own stuff right now. And he has changed enough of his plans last minute to make that infuriating for any woman--especially someone type a like her.

The FB thing. The fact that he opened it in secret, then when I found out about it (while we were supposedly rebuilding our relationship) he couldn't send me a request--drives me crazy. It really does. I'm not sure if it is so much that I don't know what is on it. I think it is more that the people who are on it know that I am not one of his friends--I hate that feeling of not being at the top of his list of important people. I know I am not detached. I want him back, but I know that can't happen right now. But if I can be his friend, at least that much, then maybe I will at least get to know what is going on and be able to leave feeling like we have done everything possible but we just want different things in life. The way things are now feels make believe. I really just can't accept the fact that he doesn't love me anymore--and I don't believe it.

If he really wants out all he has to do is tell me there is someone else, or get the ball rolling on leaving. He isn't doing either. He is just trying to make me crazy--wondering what he is doing and thinking. Being sweet as pie when he wants information from me (which I always cave and give him) but then leaving me in the dark and making me feel like I am causing a scene or being clingy when I ask him anything.

I don't want to leave, but if I stay I need to be able to keep my sanity. I need to learn to detach and that will be easier to do if I feel like he is my friend who trusts me and who wants me to trust him. I want to part as friends. Or I want to fall in love again with him but as friends first. If it ends now I think it will be really bitter and nasty because I am not detached enough to handle it. I'm feeling love and hate every second of the day and I don't want to feel that way anymore. He's pushing me to make the choice for him, and I can't do that right now.

I do need to put the focus back on me. I am trying. Focusing on work which takes up almost all of my time (it is good to be back). Work is stressful, but a good kind of stress. A problem solving kind of stress and one where I feel support from everyone around me helping me to succeed in a very difficult situation. I feel optimistic about it because I feel comfortable with my choices, even when they end up not being the best ones, because from those mistakes come greater insight. I'm not really feeling that way in my relationship right now. Because I never even know when I am making a mistake. I'm getting no feedback from him at all. It's just hard. He has been cleaning up and I don't know if he is doing it because he knows I can't stand the clutter, or if he is trying to find or hide things a lawyer might need. I just thank him for doing it. I am faking a PMA around him.

It would be so much easier if we didn't live together anymore. But I don't want to move in with my parents until I have to. It will make me crazy there, too. I tried it out over the vacation and it felt so wrong. It all feels so wrong right now.

My aunt is having brian surgery for the 3rd time right now and has given up all of her possessions (including her home) so no one knows where she is going to end up when she gets out of the hospital. She isn't rational and wants no help from anyone but has set up a situation where she might end up homeless and possibly blind (which is a definite without the surgery and highly likely with it). H doesn't even know--and probably doesn't even care at this point. My new job is exciting and stressful and I would love to come home and talk to H about it, but he doesn't want to hear it. I just feel alone and scared and I want to feel loved and cared for by him again. Things seems so good and my future seemed so positive a few months ago--regardless of what my marital outcome might have been, and now I feel like it is teetering on the edge of a cliff and I'm trying to keep it steady all on my own. And I know I have to just let go. But it is too scary.