Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[Wonka]

HP,

I'm very relieved to hear S11 speak his mind with his Mom....I was a bit concerned about him feeling like he can't talk to his Mom about how he felt about this situation. Stay out of their R. It's for the two of them to figure out among themselves.

I am not a dramatic person. My W is clearly a dramatic person. Even so, we were a very very boring family before all this. W clearly didn't like that.

Now we're in drama hell...

Oh really?? Is that right, HP? So you're 'innocent' of your own contribution to the dramatic dynamic?? Interesting.

She left an incredible VM... "Just talked with s12 and you're absolutely right. I think it's imperative we get a therapist for him. I also know that the feelings he's having are very normal for a child his age going through a separation. I am alarmed by some of the things he said but I am extremely happy he was able to express his feelings although they were very hurtful to hear."

She said all this in an even voice. She did choke now and then on some of the words.

Leave it be....don't try to reassure or try to make W feel better for it is important that she process her own thoughts and feelings about their convo.

And she suggested we change the schedule again so he would sleep here with me in the condo most nights to give him "stability." She would then drive him to and from school and help him with homework after school (I guess at the coffee shop or school library).

I have to really commend W for really recognizing S11's feelings and making adjustments as appropriate. It's clear that she's trying to stay involved in S11's schoolwork and activities.

I trade some texts with her. She says her IC appointment is to talk about S12. I make an IC appointment for S12 the day after. She texts she wants to talk. She texts S12... tell dad I'm calling to talk. He tells me. Phone rings. I take advice... deep breath, relax, then I answer.

The bolded section is a very, very bad dynamic. Break it by answering W's texts and call her back as its about S11.

I say... very cordially with no trace of anger in my voice... I will pick S12 up from school... bring him to the condo... take him to the game later... and bring him to the condo to spend the night with me. You don't have to come.

This is the THIRD time that you've brought up that you don't want W there. Why is that Mom shouldn't be at her son's game?? Man up and grow a pair.

She says she wants to be there.

Then she says... "But you have plans. What about your plans?"

"Don't worry about it. Is there anything else."

"Yes I want to..." She sounds frustrated and stops.

After a pause I say... "If there's anything else let me know. I've got to get back to work. Talk to you later." I hang up. Very cordial.

Arrrrgh!! You just had to pipe up when staying silent would have elicited W to finish her sentence or train of thought. That would have been a golden opportunity to validate. Ahh well....it's a lost opportunity. Poof. Gone.

Oh, now she just called him again. He tells me she's downstairs delivering his bag of clothes. Last time they were dirty and I had to wash them. Let's see if she does that again.

How does that matter? Unless you're playing that scorecard.