Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[25yearsmlc]

YOUR SON NEEDS HELP ASAP. Those are extreme things for a 12 y/o to say.

Please get him help now. Call the IC today and repeat what your son told you about NOT wanting to live. This is no joke and not a "hollow gesture". It's a desperate cry of pain.

Unite with your wife on this as a team. Do NOT blame her for anything at this point, or you'll hinder HER efforts and appear to be guilting her at a time when your son needs to be the focus.

Well... the last thread locked in less than 3 days. Thank you everyone for your support, advice, and hard 2x4s. I really really hope good people are learning from my family's highs and lows.

This is a solution based site. Venting is fine IF IT HELPS CALM YOU

but if it merely keeps you stuck in anger or victimhood, mind reading and negating life, then it's Not helping you. It's hurting you and your cause.


I am not a dramatic person. My W is clearly a dramatic person. Even so, we were a very very boring family before all this. W clearly didn't like that.

Right after BD, as I was reeling and starting to suspect an A, I remember lying in bed with W and her angrily complaining how boring we were. She had the miserable irritated look I didn't recognize then but that I've come to know so well.

We had gone on a walk that night as a family. It was one of my early 180s... more family time ideas from me. She looked irritated and was texting through part of it. When I checked the phone records later... well you know. That was the start of the real deep awful pain.

Now we're in drama hell...

Today I did accept W's invitation to her new online calendar. In it she had a schedule for the next 4 weeks. It had changed again... now more evenly split.


you said you wanted this^^, remember? Be careful what you wish for.

So more nights for her as now she apparently feels more confident she can keep S12 at her aunt's house. No problem.

Later, I respond to her text saying I would pick up S12 today as scheduled. I do not ask her if she can follow the schedule but she will ask me to make sure she says.

I also say I found an IC for S12 to talk to. I tell W I'm seeing an IC and recommend my IC as excellent.

Wait, What??

You 1) disclosed that YOU are seeing an IC...why tell her that?

2) you suggested SHE use the same IC as you? Why on earth would you do that?

Doesn't it reek of manipulation? Isn't the real reason you are choosing to disclose that so that you can get an ally in the battle of your wife's choices?

OR is this some type of "parenting" Counselor to help you both help your son?

(If it is to help your son, I support that completely. Otherwise I don't get it, at all).

W responds that's wonderful and she left a message with IC to meet her. No problem.

I go to get S12. He looks very unhappy. I ask what's wrong. He says he is depressed and "doesn't want to try to live anymore." He says how he hates all this... and school and homework are too much pressure...

This is a Red Flare launched into the night sky. It's an SOS.

Heed his call, please.


and how is he going to manage his game tomorrow night when school ends at 3, the game starts at 8:30... but the aunt's house is an hour away? I say you'll have to talk with mom.


Why not help your son? This "payback" for your wife seems to be taking priority OVER YOUR SON'S WELFARE,

and imo, that's just wrong.

Even if you thought it would somehow help you reconcile, (???)

you are still deflecting from your son's problems and cries for help.

Stop making this about Your hurt feelings and man up to make it ALL about your son for now.

Seriously. This is a 911 Emergency and you don't get to put DBing or yourself ahead of him anymore.

Not now.

I text W what S12 said ... he's depressed and "doesn't want to try to live anymore."

She texts "call me." I tell S12 to call his mom and tell her how he's feeling.


This is ^^ getting insane. Your son just expressed SUICIDAL IDEAS

and when YOU TEXTED your wife-his mother-- and she naturally asked you to call her -

you fobbed this off on your emotionally fragile son. WTF???

He does... and he went off on her. Finally told her everything. How he doesn't trust her b/c she lies. How she's making him and me hate her. How he wants to see me more than a couple nights. How his life is over. How he wants to quit school he's under so much pressure. How he just wants to give up. How the chance of mom and dad getting back together was so slim he has no hope.


I fear this^^ made you happy. I worry that You saw his pain but the biggest thing you could make of it was how your pain was still more important... and inflicting some on her, felt great....too bad it was at the expense of your son.

He asked... "How are we going to do my game tomorrow? Where am I going to sleep?" She answered I'm sure the aunt's house.

The real issue for the game was that he was giving up having YOU there b/c you cannot handle it. I do feel that my last post to you, which I think Wonka referred to, was wasted on you. You are not hearing me.

He hung up on her.

She called back and he didn't answer.

She called again and he answered and kept going.

She tried to talk about me. He said "Don't bring dad into this! This is between me and you!"

He was on the phone for 20 minutes. It was the clearest I've ever heard him speak. Very direct. He was very unhappy.

At the end, we were back in the condo and he was in his room. I closed his door so he could speak privately. I sat and waited for W to call me.

He came out. Said he didn't want to talk about it. Went to do his homework.

I missed W call... not on purpose.

She left an incredible VM... "Just talked with s12 and you're absolutely right. I think it's imperative we get a therapist for him. I also know that the feelings he's having are very normal for a child his age going through a separation. I am alarmed by some of the things he said but I am extremely happy he was able to express his feelings although they were very hurtful to hear."

She said all this in an even voice. She did choke now and then on some of the words.

I think she put his welfare above her deeply hurt feelings. Frankly, I'm impressed with her behavior.

She wasn't interested in defending herself or being blame free nearly as much as she was with his being able to express himself. Good.


She went on to ask if I had set an IC appointment for him. That the appointment that she set with my IC was for herself.

IS this the IC you have whom you want for her? What is the goal here, now?


And she suggested we change the schedule again so he would sleep here with me in the condo most nights to give him "stability."

She said this To give him what HE asked for and says he needs. It's not about you.


She would then drive him to and from school and help him with homework after school (I guess at the coffee shop or school library).

She also mentioned she would get her apartment sooner, on February 1, to help S12. She said her idea to stay at her aunt's house longer "does not quite seem to be a good one for him."

She told me she expected to get an apartment near his school by January 15. Instead, she really planed to get that apartment later in February. Her plan was to keep S12 an hour away from his school on her nights for at least 4 weeks. That's 18 nights. Even when she knew he didn't like staying there and without telling me her apartment would take so long.

And again... on the first day of her new schedule... she has to take it all back and ask me for help.

And, with the therapist... I told her S12 was having a hard time. "Yes of course he's sad but we have a good time together." Now, she's alarmed and hurt about what he said but "extremely happy" he felt he could say it.

What he said is... he hates her and doesn't trust her and she's a liar and she's ruining his life.

is that really all that you heard? You may feel "vindicated" but imo, you did not help your son or your over all cause.

I trade some texts with her. She says her IC appointment is to talk about S12. I make an IC appointment for S12 the day after. She texts she wants to talk. She texts S12... tell dad I'm calling to talk. He tells me. Phone rings. I take advice... deep breath, relax, then I answer.

She apologizes for calling. She sounds sad. She asks if I'm going to the basketball game tomorrow. I say yes. She says can I please help her with it. The aunt lives too far away. S12 wants to stay at the condo. She gives me all these options.

I say... very cordially with no trace of anger in my voice... I will pick S12 up from school... bring him to the condo... take him to the game later... and bring him to the condo to spend the night with me. You don't have to come.

She says she wants to be there.

Then she says... "But you have plans. What about your plans?"

"Don't worry about it. Is there anything else."

"Yes I want to..." She sounds frustrated and stops.

After a pause I say... "If there's anything else let me know. I've got to get back to work. Talk to you later." I hang up. Very cordial.

Later she texts me... "I just talked to the teacher." Then nothing else. That was an hour ago.

When I spoke with my IC... she was surprised my W called her and made an appointment. Asked if I was OK seeing her. Promised confidentiality. I said I wouldn't expect anything else.

...I don't get why you suggested this^^ at all. Though Your wife said it's about s12 - do you disagree? What was your goal in asking her to see the IC?

If it was to help son, then again, makes sense. But I'm not clear on how you feel about it, and what your plans were for it. You send out mixed signals on this.

I handled W very cordially. I was sad more than angry. I heard her tell s12... "I know you're angry I feel me and dad should be separated right now." At least she wasn't giving him false hope like she did before.

IS there something "Wrong" with her answer here^^? It is the truth in her mind. She was not happy and wants to be separated from you. She does not think OM is the cause but rather, the symptom. (FWIW, I agree)

Did you HOPE she'd say "Sorry I'm such a lying monster wife/mom whore"...??? Remember, you are supposed to act in accordance with your goals,

NOT how you feel.


She certainly does not feel she can cry to me anymore. I made sure of that.


I would not gloat about this^^. Call your DB coach asap. Get back on track.


I would like to reach out to her now... but I don't know how and I know I shouldn't. Just send us all to IC
and we'll be fine.

uh, yeah sure. Because an hour of talking to someone else will make your son all better.

So yes I'll be GALing at the game tomorrow and every game. I'll be cordial and empathetic to my W who has just heard her son hates her.

To me you sound like someone bleating that he's been declared "Right"

but you are really missing out on the big picture here.

Your anger, your bff, is taking over your approach and that's not going to help you or your son.

What kind of legacy are you passing to him?

NOTE: I'm not asking about his mother's legacy to him or lessons he's learning from her. You have no control over those.

I'm asking YOU about what legacy and lessons You are passing onto him.


Oh, now she just called him again. He tells me she's downstairs delivering his bag of clothes. Last time they were dirty and I had to wash them. Let's see if she does that again.

Stop setting her up for failure in one of your endless tests, AND Lose the scorecard, asap please.

I can't believe you are content to wait til he sees YOUR IC to get him help.