Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #5

[HPoirot]

Well... the last thread locked in less than 3 days. Thank you everyone for your support, advice, and hard 2x4s. I really really hope good people are learning from my family's highs and lows.

I am not a dramatic person. My W is clearly a dramatic person. Even so, we were a very very boring family before all this. W clearly didn't like that.

Right after BD, as I was reeling and starting to suspect an A, I remember lying in bed with W and her angrily complaining how boring we were. She had the miserable irritated look I didn't recognize then but that I've come to know so well.

We had gone on a walk that night as a family. It was one of my early 180s... more family time ideas from me. She looked irritated and was texting through part of it. When I checked the phone records later... well you know. That was the start of the real deep awful pain.

Now we're in drama hell...

Today I did accept W's invitation to her new online calendar. In it she had a schedule for the next 4 weeks. It had changed again... now more evenly split. So more nights for her as now she apparently feels more confident she can keep S12 at her aunt's house. No problem.

Later, I respond to her text saying I would pick up S12 today as scheduled. I do not ask her if she can follow the schedule but she will ask me to make sure she says.

I also say I found an IC for S12 to talk to. I tell W I'm seeing an IC and recommend my IC as excellent.

W responds that's wonderful and she left a message with IC to meet her. No problem.

I go to get S12. He looks very unhappy. I ask what's wrong. He says he is depressed and "doesn't want to try to live anymore." He says how he hates all this... and school and homework are too much pressure... and how is he going to manage his game tomorrow night when school ends at 3, the game starts at 8:30... but the aunt's house is an hour away? I say you'll have to talk with mom.

I text W what S12 said ... he's depressed and "doesn't want to try to live anymore."

She texts "call me." I tell S12 to call his mom and tell her how he's feeling.

He does... and he went off on her. Finally told her everything. How he doesn't trust her b/c she lies. How she's making him and me hate her. How he wants to see me more than a couple nights. How his life is over. How he wants to quit school he's under so much pressure. How he just wants to give up. How the chance of mom and dad getting back together was so slim he has no hope.

He asked... "How are we going to do my game tomorrow? Where am I going to sleep?" She answered I'm sure the aunt's house.

He hung up on her.

She called back and he didn't answer.

She called again and he answered and kept going.

She tried to talk about me. He said "Don't bring dad into this! This is between me and you!"

He was on the phone for 20 minutes. It was the clearest I've ever heard him speak. Very direct. He was very unhappy.

At the end, we were back in the condo and he was in his room. I closed his door so he could speak privately. I sat and waited for W to call me.

He came out. Said he didn't want to talk about it. Went to do his homework.

I missed W call... not on purpose.

She left an incredible VM... "Just talked with s12 and you're absolutely right. I think it's imperative we get a therapist for him. I also know that the feelings he's having are very normal for a child his age going through a separation. I am alarmed by some of the things he said but I am extremely happy he was able to express his feelings although they were very hurtful to hear."

She said all this in an even voice. She did choke now and then on some of the words.

She went on to ask if I had set an IC appointment for him. That the appointment that she set with my IC was for herself.

And she suggested we change the schedule again so he would sleep here with me in the condo most nights to give him "stability." She would then drive him to and from school and help him with homework after school (I guess at the coffee shop or school library).

She also mentioned she would get her apartment sooner, on February 1, to help S12. She said her idea to stay at her aunt's house longer "does not quite seem to be a good one for him."

She told me she expected to get an apartment near his school by January 15. Instead, she really planed to get that apartment later in February. Her plan was to keep S12 an hour away from his school on her nights for at least 4 weeks. That's 18 nights. Even when she knew he didn't like staying there and without telling me her apartment would take so long.

And again... on the first day of her new schedule... she has to take it all back and ask me for help.

And, with the therapist... I told her S12 was having a hard time. "Yes of course he's sad but we have a good time together." Now, she's alarmed and hurt about what he said but "extremely happy" he felt he could say it.

What he said is... he hates her and doesn't trust her and she's a liar and she's ruining his life.

I trade some texts with her. She says her IC appointment is to talk about S12. I make an IC appointment for S12 the day after. She texts she wants to talk. She texts S12... tell dad I'm calling to talk. He tells me. Phone rings. I take advice... deep breath, relax, then I answer.

She apologizes for calling. She sounds sad. She asks if I'm going to the basketball game tomorrow. I say yes. She says can I please help her with it. The aunt lives too far away. S12 wants to stay at the condo. She gives me all these options.

I say... very cordially with no trace of anger in my voice... I will pick S12 up from school... bring him to the condo... take him to the game later... and bring him to the condo to spend the night with me. You don't have to come.

She says she wants to be there.

Then she says... "But you have plans. What about your plans?"

"Don't worry about it. Is there anything else."

"Yes I want to..." She sounds frustrated and stops.

After a pause I say... "If there's anything else let me know. I've got to get back to work. Talk to you later." I hang up. Very cordial.

Later she texts me... "I just talked to the teacher." Then nothing else. That was an hour ago.

When I spoke with my IC... she was surprised my W called her and made an appointment. Asked if I was OK with that. Promised confidentiality. I said I wouldn't expect anything else.

...

I handled W very cordially. I was sad more than angry. I heard her tell s12... "I know you're angry I feel me and dad should be separated right now." At least she wasn't giving him false hope like she did before. She certainly does not feel she can cry to me anymore. I made sure of that. I would like to reach out to her now... but I don't know how and I know I shouldn't. Just send us all to IC
and we'll be fine.

So yes I'll be GALing at the game tomorrow and every game. I'll be cordial and empathetic to my W who has just heard her son hates her.

Oh, now she just called him again. He tells me she's downstairs delivering his bag of clothes. Last time they were dirty and I had to wash them. Let's see if she does that again.