Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

Why all at once? I don't know. Some of it is choice, some of it is taking the opportunity when available, some of it is out of our control.

We both are overly ambitious and think we can do everything. We look at challenges and say we can get through them but do not look at the cost of doing it and the toll it will take on family, R, during the challenge. We figure we can buckle down and make it through it and in the end the results will out weigh the means.

The issue with my work and her brother are out of our control and just life. I try not to let these things personally effect me and have been doing better at it than I ever have.

Selling our marital home should ease some of the stress in our lives of carrying two homes, bills, etc. and also taking care of two houses on opposite ends of the town. It takes up a decent amount of time and has added to the complexity of our lives.

For me my priority is my family and the reconciliation. I spent many years putting my job and myself above all and it did me nothing but damage when life forced me to turn around and look at the aftermath.

I know my wife would say her priority is her family, but her actions make it seem that work and doctoral degree are just as high or slightly higher. I think our R/M is running a close third place after work and family obligations. I can empathize with her on this because I know the feeling of being "forced" to complete our obligations at work etc.

She once told me that if I approached our R with the same attitude as work we would have a great M. My putting my job before the M and trying to find time later really hurt us.

I feel now the tables have turned and she is doing the same. The stresses of being over extended are hurting us, I just don't know what to do about it because a lot of it is on her side.

They had a stress seminar at her school and she said she hit all the factors. I knew this and it saddens me. I feel she is misplacing her stress and sadness on our R, not on her lifestyle of over extending.

I make offers to help with reducing her stress, but I do not know if this is helping her or our R or not. Last night I offered to take a couple of hours off in the morning and get the kids on the bus so she could go in earlier and finish her 2 page to do list. She declined. It took a lot of restraint to not offer again. I know she doesn't need solutions so I just shut up about it. I often wonder if my offering help makes her feel like she cannot make it alone or not.

The other night she went out with a friend and came home after the kids were asleep. She made the comment that she went in their room and kissed them good night after they were sleeping, "like a bad mother." I think she notices what her schedule does to her family time, but not our reconciliation attempt.

My plan of action now is to do better at GAL and not putting pressure on her or being needy to her. Most everyone or everything in her life is an obligation, requirement, or some one asking her for something. I want to be the person that gives to her and does not look to her for reassurance. I have slipped up with this lately and need to refocus. The last thing she needs is to come home to a husband that she feels she needs to take care of, either mentally or physically.