Nero, I am very sorry about what life has dished out to you. The responsibilities that you have had to take on for a number of years is crushing. The decisions you've had to make were difficult and most likely the decision to "pull the plug" on your sister may have been the right choice from a medical stand point. I know how hard that decision was because my mother, sister and I had to make that decision for my father 6 years ago and there were many what ifs, there too. But, the bottom line was, would he have wanted to remain hooked up to life support for the rest of his life? The answer for us was no and I'm sure this would have been the same answer your sister would have had too. Yes, that decision haunts you, but you need to let it go. Look at the full picture and know that her life may not have gotten better had she lived. She's now at peace and is still there w/you each and every day in your heart.
You were there also for your mother and are still dealing w/her finances, home and belongings. That's a tough one too.
I may be wrong on this, but I think you are the strong one in your family and this is why you have had to deal w/all of this "stuff". It always appears to be the strong family members that take on the tasks of dealing w/family issues, i.e., such as death, wills and estates, relationships etc. I do know what you are dealing with and the load doesn't get any lighter as you move through life. What I have learned is that you have to take some "time outs" and do things for you. If you need to mourn the deaths of your sister and mother, then do so. If you don't, it'll just eat away at you a little at a time.
As for your h, I would put him on the back burner for now and start taking care of you. Take the time to mourn what was and find ways each and every day to smile. Know that your family members are in a better place and really, they are still there in your heart each and every day. Think of the good times and do start to plan some trips or get together w/old friends or w/RosaLinda and uRworthy. It's time Nero for you to let some of the past go. It's difficult, but you have to. You can't go back and fix the past, it's history, but you do have the present, for it is a gift. The future is still a mystery and one that will reveal itself in due time.
Please take care of yourself. You are wiser and stronger than you think.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
