i have to leave for airport- i got writing- backtracking - giant mess - maybe something is useable or makes sense- i canot re-read and so skip it if you want- xxo o thanks for comments i'm outta here
thanks guys for input. Yeah, i'd say i'm 'stuck" also- but then, maybe i've been "stuck" from very first day of bd. that absolutely worst thing in my life - just happened to plop d own with several other equally worst things- and i feel like just now, 6 or 7 years later i have a minute to begin sorting thru what life had become last bunch of years since linda died in 2008.
I've never even gotten around to crying for a stinkin week over the person i spent every waking moment with for 24 years & was my "irish twin" & alter ego in life. she's the person who had every "adventure of my life with me- when she died, there they went , well, the person to share them with. it's alot.
now that i say that- i have to go to airport in a few - but i have a thought here that you popped into my head - youknow, deciding to have them " pull the plug" on her was really hard. as usual - in my family- i was guy in hot seat. mom just couldnt' cope - no one else could - i did, based on the many dr opinons, etc i got. it was soooo awful to see her laying ther gaping for air- so not what she'd want. however - 7 years later - was there really hope and they were being overly dramatic? idk, was it the rite thing? could there have been hope? idk- ya make your best call. everyone i meet has a story it seems about the person that the dr. said would die soon - who survived and ta da, is alive today.
i don't re-think that decision- but it does make one take stock and not be jumping into what seem like life's bigger decisions.
it's dramatic i know- and til he's dead or me- there is always an "option" open i guess. i think i'm the sort tho to be all or nothing.
if i go- i will not look back and that chapter of my lie will be over and done. it's probably a counterproductive outlook for me to have- i've thought that too- maybe dooming him for his own actions - but it's me (rite now anyway). i'll stick it as long as i possibly can and when i'm done - i'm done forever.
maybe i'll become wise or generous or something- never know - i am definitely morphing from the person i always was all my life- things i like and some not. ii'm a bit cyunical and i don't like that- but it's normal i'd think.
the mlc bit of this mix - I'm not sure there is really a deadline that fits all. I do hear what each of you say- I've thought it all myself. no kidding. it's all sound advice and input.
problem is - there's soooooo much that goes into it all (at least in my head and life). i'd be writing all day here - you know me, explain til the other guy's ears are bleeding. i find it hard to distill down -
who i am - i listen and "understand" people's frailties, junk, choices, i prop people up- tell them it's okay to be who they are, don't judge their addictions, etc. (maybe i make excuses for them - idk.. i've done it sooooo long - and mom got really tough and mean, it's what i do. i hang in there- i "see it thru", etc. all t hat junk. last 7 years with mom was toughest of life, to keep going back - i did. i didn't enjoy abuse- it was just always that tehre was a bigger picture- other issues at work. not just as simple as "she treats ya like crap- walk away."
my personal sense of "duty" said do it. hang in there, you're her only link. - it's hard to turn that off here to him completely. however much he deserves it and it will (supposedly) cause him to become old self. I think his old self is dead and gone or never existed. do i learn who he is and whether i want him in my life or not? idk -
no matter how miserable he's made for last 6 or so years ( i can't even remember back to when it all began. he made me really really happy for 30 or so before that. He has treated me better & made me feel special more than any other person in life- ever. he is a part of me and my life - like it or not. It really does seem to me - complimentary or not - that I rely on him being in my life and it truly is like someone just (casually and off the cuff) telling me that your leg or right arm needs to be amputated - and you just say "well, okay - here goes".
whatever my intellect tells me - and it's alot of what you're all saying - i know, BUT that does not make me feel ready to cut him off. it may seem or really be pathetic- but there you are. I guess like everyone alive- i've got to do what my gut tells me.
I still haven't found "time" to mourn for my sister's death- she was closest person alive & we all sat by while she drank herself to death- with no power really to stop her - and gave order to "pull the plug" - was it right? was it the only option? were the doctors wrong? who will ever know.
at exact same time- my tough, competent mom just begins a scary mind/health descent - who's HER rock now, me. bad enough for someone like me- commitment phobic a bit. honestly- it's uflattering i know, but i've always known aboutmyself that if i'm honest- i don't evem want responsibility for myself, much less someone else - and someone else with huge issues that will not ever get better - just worse. and particularly immediately following my inability to "save" linda.
i'm just sayin. i'd like to crucify myself for the bum i probably am in life- but i just can't. i just feel like a person who thinks she's doin her best with a bunch of really hard-to-deal with junk.
I think his office-life has only been replaced by his computer-life. I was always working and home and never ever saw any of it (well, for what it was (apparently - fun social-flirtie life as well).
i know everyone slaps their heads and probably says "enough" about me - regularly. it's just not simple- i know it seems so, enough is enough right?
I think this morning, part of my getting moving here quick enough for the world is that i've never had time to mourn my sister's death in 2008 (closest person in life) which was also beginning of my awareness of h having some kind of "problems" and disconnect in our r; my mom's immediate (and scary) onset of memory/health problems (bigtime"; mom getting sued month later by cousin to sell shorehouse(horrible for her & she'd tell ya too!) - idk - when bomb dropped a few years later- all i could do was look around me at fl house and think "i cannot face loading out my crappola of 38 years of life - i can't deal with it now".
I was shattered completely. well- inside. i don 't know what the world saw. it's 3 or 4 years later - i am not "bleeding" openly - i am still amazed at the "train wreck" my life has become because of the absence/insanity of every "rock" person in my life.
Not only was mom a "rock" out there- she became my responsibility. I am not a person that embraces commitment and likes "being in charge". i I can and did do it- i did not like it or find it easy. it was a strain - the constant responding to her (primarily emotional) neeeeeeeeeeds.
. I've always been a happy person pretty much - even when my dad died, or my 1st h turned violent, huge things- they never "got to me" like bomb.
honestly this morning - i was reading martha stewart christmas mag for this year- she had a poem in beginning about her sister that died - objectively speaking i think i just have not had time to get over my sister's death in 2008 (closest person in world) because it began chain of events in life - mom's mental decline big time (take on responsibility pretty much for her and her life kind of) - all of sudden rite then h became "cold-ish" and different - but who had time or answer to deal with what that was other than thinking backlash to his current problems, retire, quit smoke,dad sick, etc; month later mom sued by cousin to sell shore house, huge shocker;
