May your new year be

[edz]

Hi Gg

I thought the other night that we only - through the reason we're here I suppose - post the negatives. I don't think I've posted any of the things I could about good times, in my case 15 years, yours 11 we could probably go on and wax nostalgic. Probably result in tears, icecream, chocolate, hankies and wine...not sure how any one else would react, those are just for me

My case, MIL poked her bony nose into our business, contributed to us being nigh on financially bankrupted and W and I may have failed to communicate, become distant and I distanced s as a result but I can say that there's nothing like you've been through and I'd hate to even contemplate that I could behave anything like that.

I know in my M MIL/FIL was always christmas if we went there or they came to us it was happening - my dad/stepmum? Errrr you go see him before or after I dont need to come. Importantly I never insisted we change that as it wasnt worth arguing over. Funnily enough, before BD, we had discussed going away this - last - year to get out of the perceived invitation I think I went down my usual rabbit hole of cost as to objecting at first, nice one there Edz, well done.

Indeed this year they invited themselves to be with w to "keep her company" before w was even back in the flat, she may not have wanted to come to me but might have been nice if she made her own mind up on that, she of course didnt argue.

The p0rn thing sounds slightly worrying, I wont pry but I'll listen if you want to talk.

It does sound like you were the one trying to be peacemaker by conceding ground, if you had anywhere like the same mindset as me it will be "dont sweat the small stuff, not worth it, look at the big picture". Until of course frustration means its all the big picture and then you either retreat away (hello!) or scream at each other out of sheer frustration.

If you had brought up issues or something you needed and it always got pushed back, ultimately, you do stop talking about it as it makes things worse - ironically thats supposedly the key WAW trigger, I always did do everything backwards. I know I stopped talking to w about intimacy (any not just ml) as it just seemed to make her go further away which of course left me further in the cold, in your case it sounds like anything you raised resulted in more of the same so you just stopped or it escalated?

The problem is when (as you said in Vs thread) the small stuff starts to get bigger, the envelope gets pushed.

Im Mr cant say nasty things (you may have noticed) but theres a difference between 'control freak' (in the nicest way thats my w as she herself has said on multiple occasions - I had no issues with that I'm the dooer, I can live with the planner or I can be the planner, happy either way) and dominating someone even if its in episodes (known people in that situation before, it never ended well)..

I obviously wasnt there and you can feel free to tell me if Im going beyond where I should be stopping Gg but it all sounds like immature behaviour from H to me, don't get your way? tantrum. Not sure how to reason maturely? resort to name calling or spread rumours and belittle. To ultimately control someone you are supposed to care for, I don't understand it. Although I do see it in MIL I suppose.

Constantly being rendered less than you are, who you deserve to be is not something anyone deserves, it really pushes my buttons when someone thinks its their right to do it. Its the core of my conflict with MIL, I also worry that w thought this is where my r with s was going to end up given her mother and my pushing him away emotionally before BD, I dont believe I could go there but Im not suprised it worried her. I apologised and told her that way back now.

I think you're right to never, ever want that situation back. I've learned late that trying to be the peacemaker or be naturally the one who wants to be giving and hopes to receive care as well doesn't, necessarily, mean being the one who keeps *everyone* happy, it plain doesnt work something has to be compromised and ideally that should be give by both parties, balancing your needs with your partners. I know I got between MIL and wife as MIL had her in tears on so many occasions and I just wanted to protect her, meantime w thought she was both between MIL and I being a referee and between s and I as we had a dysfunctional relationship to say the least from her perspective, all easy to see in hindsight.

Take care matey.