Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[25yearsmlc]

HP

on the whole you are doing well, so keep that in mind.

Just a quick update.

I got through the Crossfit. They wanted to be easy on me but impressed I got it done at an intermediate level. Not sure of the terminology yet. I'll be back next week.

I did think of my sitch almost the whole while. I'm sure that will fade. It's just that this is the kind of thing W encouraged me to do. I would like to tell her about it. Sometimes I wish I'd let her live here in the condo.

Anyway... GAL successful.

When you do some GAL that mandate your full attention, you will think of her MUCH less. The thing I liked most about doing theater is that theres nothing like a live audience to keep your mind OFF your WAS.

This could apply to volunteering to help with sets or lighting or crew, in a community theater if you don't want to perform. The tension and focus of a show, is so healing in terms of hours of Zero obsession...very helpful.

IF you are not into theater, think of something that is intense enough to require your complete focus, even if only for a little while. It can feel like a brain/heart vacation or break.

Now I have Friday. S12 has a bball game. All his bball games are on Friday so that takes my Tango away b/c I go to his games.

W will be at this game as it is her night with S12. She asked if I was coming. If his games are on Friday, I should just take him Friday nights. I want to tell her I would prefer she not show up.

Don't. Friday nights and your son's baseball games are not about you.


What is the right thing to do that meets my R goal?


No matter what your R goal is - or becomes -, your son's welfare will always be THE priority.

His feeling loved by both parents as best they can love him, is what you must support MOST.



Go and be cordial with her. Remember empathy and forgiveness. Be better me. For an entire game. Let her leave with a good feeling about me. That I'm helping her through this terrible time.

Why not make this^^ about your son? Because on Friday nights, you are watching your son play baseball near or with, his mother, who is ALSO watching your son play baseball. (Be glad there is no OM. Eventually this may be the best avenue for future interactions but again, THIS should not be about your m or your w or yourself).

It's abut your son and his baseball. That's a chunk of his life where he gets to play and get support and see his parents NOT fighting or crying and he can be with his team mates and perform well some nights, have victories and share defeats with his cohorts...Cheer for him, advise him about playing well, clap hard when he scores or they win, and that's that.

HIS GAME NIGHTS are NOT about you or how you feel or your R goal OR what your wife is experiencing. He's a kid. Let him be the focus of Friday nights while he plays baseball.

(But when does that wacky season end? & Who plays baseball in January?)

Also, Arthur Murray and other dance schools have lessons more than one night a week. Instead of resenting not having those Tango lessons (I know that the Tango is uniquely its own dance. I get it. ) realize that you can probably take some form of dance on another night, probably Saturday night.

Any chance you'd like Swing, Salsa or Ballroom dancing? Expand those options so you don't come up with THE reason you CANNOT GAL...b/c YOU CAN GAL...

(If need be, go back and read my GAL list of what I did with an infant at home, + 2 kids, in the interior of Alaska...)

Maybe instead of saying to GET a life we ought to say MAKE A life b/c you do have to make it happen. No one else will.

I don't know how that will work. I want to text her right now... "We can't live like this. What are we doing?"

Do NOT text her. Get a grip on yourself and go running or DO SOMETHING other than thinking about OR contacting her again . Take a break from these boards if that will help.

I haven't spoken to or seen my son today. He's in the same city I'm in. This is what my W wants? This is her dream of happiness? An M to me was so horrible?

She's not doing any of this to hurt you. QTIP, remember?

Is your son being in the same city different b/c you are not traveling? So you will see him when, tomorrow?

Consider that my brother's ex w had an A and then married her OM, an Air Force pilot.

They had joint custody but b/c his youngest child was only 4, Ex w wanted primary (but joint) custody. That was fine b/c my brother lived near her/his kids, and she was a SAHM...

BUT whoops! Then OM/pilot got a new assignment, and was transferred by the military ---and thus, can't be blamed for taking them away...(guess he's a hero)

so after only maybe 9 months after the fastest divorce & remarriage in history, brother's 3 kids moved to the other side of the country --on the opposite coast...

**Seriously - I'll never ever understand how could his ex w do that to him/them**

So he'd fly out to see them 1 week every 6 weeks (HIS expense) and they'd fly to see him 1 week every 6, (their expense) plus a month in the summer (shared).

He was crushed for about a decade. Fought and fought and spent a fortune on lawyers fees...over that time. His life is good now, but that's not the point of course.

Just Don't wallow too long in the self pity pool. You're lucky in many MANY ways and Frankly, you are doing too well here to engage in much wallowing, okay?

That's not really a 2 x 4 so much as a compliment but anyhow, you get the point right?

Venting. I know. Nothing to do on that front.

I did a GAL. Met a few nice people. A couple cute girls too young. Broke a good sweat. Mission accomplished. Keep going. Fill my life with GAL.

Just move on.

Turn it over, and it gets easier. Sometimes I'd "turn it over" to God, about 50 times in one shower. Seriously.

Many days I would tell myself that phrase 100 times. It sinks in faster and I had too long a learning curve in my opinion.

Did I confuse you with someone else or did You hire a DB Coach? I think you did, so all I'll say for now is stay the course.

CARRY ON HP, you've got this.

2 last comments I want to make.

1) sometimes we wait to FEEL something in order to BEHAVE differently...

but what if we behaved differently AND THEN let the feelings come?
(from achieving our behavioral goals)?

To an extent, that ^^ is what we are asking you to do.

2) If you really DO this "DB" stuff, your life will get easier and you will become a better, happier and more loving man.

Ponder that^^ fully for a minute. Believe it even if just for this moment....

and let yourself FEEL the glory of that^^ reality.