I'm pretty sure my H was in a depression when we split. He was checked out of life ( other than work) not just me. He had stopped seeing his friends, stopped seeing his sister. ( parents are both gone as are mine) He didn't go out and GAL. He was never as active or social as I was but he literally was spending every day in his office in our basement from the am until 8pm other than picking up SD from school. I was the one being the parent to SD and taking care of everything around the house. We had gone to an Xmas party at his friends and he withdrew and was down in there basement with all the teens. He shut down from life. I was worried and had tried to get him to do things and spend more time with me and SD. He had lost his job as a broker and I think this took away part of his identity. He took a job ( without telling me) that involved travelling to Eastern Europe for ten days every six weeks. Every time he went I felt he was moving further and further away from me. I felt like a switch went off in him and he had shut off emotionally when it came to me. I was very confused and hurt. We had finally got SD and the family he wanted and he checked out.
He has said that he knew I wasn't happy and figured I was going to eventually leave so he detached. His only complaints were that I nagged him too much. I reminded him when we had coffee the other day of all the things I had suggested to try and keep us connected that he had dismissed. I told him how I had worried about him and felt the emotional switch off. He said you know you did try and I wasn't . Most of all of our problems are my fault. I'm not proud of my behavior and I don't know why I did some of the things I did. You didn't deserve it. I think I am in a MLC.
When we chatted a few days ago at coffee it is the first time he has ever teared up when it came to me. I could see his confusion and he was not making sense. I want to date others and not have to have any expectations. I want you in my life I still have feelings for you, I am still physically attracted to you. I've thought of us getting back together. I'm scared of failing. I don't want to hurt you again. You were my rock. I don't want to be strangers. I want to know what's happening in your life.
I left him with some food for thought as well as I have been thinking about what he said. He knows I've been on a few dates but has not had to face me moving on with someone else. He does still have a way to go out of his MLC tunnel. I see that. I will be pulling right back and will be more mysterious.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
