Labug, Betsey, thank you. Your reframing helped a TON. I'm a little more neutral about meeting him out (though I still don't see why I have to spend an entire meal this way) and less resistant to the possibility of seeing him in person. It seems the right way to close the door on this part of our relationship. Thinking of him just being REALLY poorly equipped for whatever is going on in his life makes the rejection and pain so much less personal.
I SO wish though, that he had the courage to look inside himself. Divorce is going to make his life way more complicated than he realizes (assuming he wants any kind of relationship with his kids) and I am sad to think that he has just set himself up for years of chaos at a time when he really could use some peace.
I am GREAT. I had a good day at work -- a really good day, even though it was just normal. I have the best kids. For a long while we would get to the end of the day and I'd let them eat dinner in the living room while we watched a show, partly because we'd already spent most of the day together (before I started working) and partly because family dinners had been so unpleasant for the last few months or more before H left.
Just recently D11 has started insisting on family dinners at the kitchen table again and since we've been doing them, they've been so enjoyable. I don't have to scold the kids as much for their behavior -- somehow, it's better than it was. A LOT better. I've been talking to them about my day at work and books I read and plans for our weekends and they've been sharing and asking questions a lot too, and everything just feels so reciprocal. D11 has been generally much more pleasant as well.
Tonight, I had to rush home, make dinner, feed everyone, get S6 into his Scout uniform, and rush off to lead the Scout meeting, and we got home... and everyone is STILL happy to be together, talking about our days, talking about books we're reading, being attentive, etc. I feel like we've drawn closer. This time last year I had put S8 on ADD medication. He's still a little scatter-brained but nowhere near needing medication. My household is so much calmer and happier in the last couple of months. I like my life. I feel pretty complete. Though I will be glad to be in a smaller house.
My word for 2015 is GRATITUDE. There's no way I could have looked into my future this time last year and seen hope. Now, I see hope fulfilled. May you all be as blessed as I have been. Thank you for helping to get me here.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
