I'm not convinced this is the route I want to take just yet, but wanted to present my 1st draft for review should I decide to send. Tried to keep it short and removed a lot of judgement originally included. For the time being, I plan on remaining dark as possible to avoid any rash decisions. I've picked up on several great pieces of advice from other threads recently that I need to process.
'W, I've realized that despite all we've been through this past yr and a half, I still love you enough to let you go. When we attempted counseling in the fall, I told you that for me to feel secure in any type of relationship between the two of us, I needed you to end all contact with OM. It is disrespectful to me and to our marriage. I know you've told me that this is not about him, it's about finding yourself. However, seeing that you remain in contact, I am unable to continue to offer my friendship to you. Please understand that I will continue to communicate as co-parents, but no longer will we interact as friends or family. '
I like your letter, but its hard to go dark without any type of custody schedule. Without a schedule, you will get dragged into constant back and forth negotiations. Of course trying to make a schedule now will lead to a lot of contentious arguing in the near term.
I think if you declare outright that you are going to limit communication with her, you need to first be in a position to ensure that you can actually follow through. I would suggest that you either delay this announcement until after you work out a schedule and terms of a more formal separation or divorce, or use this as an opportunity to push for the implementation of an agreement or order.
My opinion- and this exact message with CONSISTENT ACTION. Sending words just looks attached, pursuing, and controlling. There's no way to say verbally "I'm letting to" because the act of saying it is clinging. Just let to and get distance. An action is worth 1,000 words.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
There you go AGAIN....holding back because of your fears.
Below is a script that Starsky and I helped Dev sent to his WAW still involved with OM. I commented at the very bottom that his W may react angrily at this boundary. FYI, all WASes do when the LBS does for they don't want their A to end.
I want to be clear on some things. One is that I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way should you choose to continue on this path. Two, I am not willing live in an open marriage with a third party.
We will not be friends should you decide to proceed with a D. Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by continuing your affair with OM. It is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and our family. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other.
Going forward starting now, as long as you are involved in an affair with the OM, our communication only be focused on the logistics of the children's schedules, their issues, and exchanges.
We have some decisions to make here. When you’re ready, please let me know your thoughts.
Sincerely,
Devaste
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Watch for the possibility that W will get very angry and try to draw you back in or spewing a litany of your faults, wrongs, flaws, mistakes, etc.
Stand strong! She's in an active affair and breaking up the family.
I hold back because I truly don't believe she is involved romantically with OM any longer. However, I do believe that they are still friends, which is not ok with me. So is this email overkill or needed regardless. ..
I hold back because I truly don't believe she is involved romantically with OM any longer.
Based on what data??
I believe they hang out in group settings, but that's about all. It's a complicated story, but I have a reliable source telling me they aren't 'dating' any longer.
Horse puckey... If they are still friends, then your sitch is stil in the crapper. Face it dude. THERE CAN BE NO FRIENDSHIP WITH OM, NEVER, IF THERE IS TO BE A R WITH YOU.
Horse puckey... If they are still friends, then your sitch is stil in the crapper. Face it dude. THERE CAN BE NO FRIENDSHIP WITH OM, NEVER, IF THERE IS TO BE A R WITH YOU.
I don't disagree with any of this.
To summarize (based on a combo of what W has told me, what my reliable source has told me and what I *think*)- W and OM ended their R a while ago. They don't talk any longer other than when that circle of friends hang out. W misses me and wanted to rebuild a friendship. What threw a wrench in all of that is if W did meet up with OM and W's BFF a couple weeks ago as I've been told- who arranged that? Are W and OM still in a R? Are BFF and OM dating and meeting up with W and other friends? The point is that OM and W are still in contact in some form and it's a waste of my time to analyze to what level.
When I asked W about meeting up with OM/BFF, she responded that she was done/filing/getting her own atty. We haven't spoken since. So my options are basically.. a) Send the email, somewhat out of the blue, saying we are not friends as long as she is in contact with OM. Well, we aren't necessarily friends right now, so does that accomplish anything? Would also be about the umpteenth time I've told her we are not friends as long as they are friends. Also adds fuel to the fire if she's considering D. b) Stay dark, not act as friends, let the next few days/weeks/mos play out with no pursuit from me. Continue to GAL and work on my need to control the situation.
Leaning towards option B. This allows me time to asses how I feel (feels strange to say after almost 16 mos of S. Shouldn't I know by now??). Allows W time (with no pressure from me) to decide if she really is pursuing D as she claimed. My bday is in 2 weeks- so does W reach out in any way? She's close to 3 mos into her 6 mo lease, so she also has a living situation to make.
