Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

Hi everyone -- thanks for stopping in.


Have had pretty good interactions from H since Sunday.

Sunday, was super stressed out with alot of things going on at our house, few things breaking, trying to do routine maintenance on my own. Talked to H that night and ended up mentioning that I was overwhelmed with things going on and what not. And he mentioned to me that he didn't know how to help me, "right now." And for some reason, I was being very honest and said - "I do need help, but I'm not in a position where I can ask you for it." He asked me to elaborate.

Backstory: during BD aka "the month of screaming" - H expressed rather forcefully that he felt he did everything around the house. Maintenance, cooking, cleaning, and that he felt like that's all I wanted him for, that he was a glorified house keeper and that he felt like a caretaker. As such, I haven't asked him for ANYTHING since he left. I expressed to him that I was trying to handle everything on my own, and I know that he was overwhelmed with his roles in the household responsibilities, and that I didn't want to make him feel that way and as such, I was trying my best to handle everything the best I could.

He responded surprisingly well, stating that people need help with things, and that he knows he walked away from everything and left me to deal with it all, but he doesn't want to handle things that way, and if I have things that he could help with -- that he will handle it. And that he knows I'm apprehensive about asking him to do anything because of what he said, but that things need to be done, and that he's not going to, "get all resentful about it."

So I gave him a small list of things I need help with and he said he would help me with everything, and I thanked him.

We will see if this actually happens. I'm not going to bring it up.....so I doubt that he will remember, but who knows. Asking for help is a big deal for me. I'm a very determined woman. I don't ask for help. I just don't. I want to be seen as someone capable of doing it all (even though that's led to my downfall). So it was a HUGE HUGE deal for me to admit to H that I needed help. Especially after BD.

We texted last night for about an hour. Just regular stuff. It was a good conversation. H and I both agreed that it was "nice" and stuff (I'm really using $5 words tonight ya'll.) We did have a misunderstanding at the end, and we both apologized and cleared the air this morning.

So. Good, right? So why do I feel very apprehensive? I've kept low/no expectations for the past week, and H has surpassed them. Every time. We have been able to communicate fairly decently. No blows ups. H appears to be getting softer towards me. He's initiating conversations. And I'm repeating to myself the "slow is fast" mantra and not going, "Ok we've had a great week, let's go to MC" or anything like that. But. But. But?

I don't know. I will admit seeing H Saturday, holding his hand, just electrified me. I'm reeling from it. Makes me miss him so much more. I know I have to play it cool. I know I have to keep on keeping on. I just want this to work. So badly. I feel that I've added extra pressure on myself to apply the DB. Pulling it together, being nice, not talking about feelings, listening....but on like level 10. Which is not the way to do it -- and most likely why I have anxiety.

That, and I've had both IC and a close friend put some pressure on me to timeline this thing. Or to "move on." This annoys the hell out of me. And makes me feel more anxious. In our state, you have to be separated for a year before you can even file. We are almost at 4 months (yuck). If this were on the opposite end of the spectrum, and I was contemplating starting a marriage with H after 4 months? Instead of ending a marriage after 4 months? People would think I was crazy. But when it comes to separation, people think you should cut and run so quickly. Hell. It's taken us 4 months to get to a place where we can awkwardly talk to one another without emotions all over the place. Who knows what another 4 months will bring.

All I know is that I'm seeing changes. In myself, and my H. I don't know what those changes will bring. But I think I owe it to myself and my R, to not cut and run when things get tough. People may think I'm a fool. But it's my life to live. When/if I get to a point where I can't do it anymore, then I can evaluate. Because I've realized, H doesn't have all the power. I have just as much say if this R ends. So there.

I don't know. I'm venting.

I don't want to get my hopes up. I want the changes that I'm seeing for both of us to keep improving. I want us to grow together, not apart. And I want everyone to STFU about what I should be doing and stay in their own lanes.

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On the positive side, instead of going home and crying from my panic attack, I went to Crossfit instead. 15 pound PR on my squat clean, and did the worlds most awful workout afterwards. Doing the "Fight Gone Bad" workout tonight -- and it'll get some nervous energy out as well.

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Onward.