Card29 IX - New Year, New Card

[Card29]

Thanks for all of your thoughts, 25. I can say that I have come a long, long way in the few days since my meltdown. Of course it will take weeks/months of sustaining or building on this mentality for it to truly be legit, but for now I am in a really good place.

Self-righteousness has not been on my mind in several days, and I have no interest in hold onto it. Same goes with anger, jealousy, judgment, etc. I believe very deeply in forgiveness, and it's being put to the ultimate test. I have already come a long way in forgiving her. I know I will completely someday. Doesn't mean I'm sure I want to R the M with her. I honestly don't know what I want, but I also know I don't have to know right now, that it will come to me eventually.

My "not tit for tat" comment about porn was in response to Calibri, who seemed to imply that my porn use was equal to her A:

She stood beside you in a M with porn, despite feeling devalued and used. She had an affair, and now that the shoe is on the other foot, you could never lay with her again?

It didn't help that I was in one of the worst moods of my life, so my response may have been pretty snarky.


I mentioned my pay cut not to pay myself on the back for being a caring parent. I was emphasizing how immense of a priority a few extra hours a week with D2 is to me. And that accentuates how deeply losing half of her childhood cut me. It took me a solid 4-5 months to process just that one fact, to see that I can survive even with custody of D2 only every-other-week. And when I found out about the A, I learned that she very much intended to marry OM and make him D2's stepdad. It just cut really, really deep, and at the time I wrote that even deeper than the sex and intimacy with OM.

Actually, WAW was a barebones mom before BD. She did have a maternity leave, but she has always put her priority on her school and career. She is skyrocketing in her company. She is pretty much next in line to be president of a $150 million company, only 30 years old. She's getting her executive MBA, which was possible, in part, because I was home with D2 every single night, whether she was at school (meeting OM) or at home doing HW. We were actually talking about me being a SAHD for the next few years, something I was really excited about. We did not have the parenting/working relationship of your typical H/W.

I don't have a "need" for a woman. I am being very comfortable single. Sister's friend might be a possibility in the future, but now I just see that I was having rebound feelings. I had not even contemplated a new woman over the previous 6-7 months.

I have discussed porn into the ground by now. I now know that it is terrible for M. I never pretended it was good for M, but before I didn't know how destructive it was. I know now. I haven't looked at it in 5 months now, so my focus will continue to be how to turn the "streak" into a permanent way of life.

I don't have my phone on me today, on which I have my 180 list, but it includes:

- Eliminating impulsive behavior
- Listen intently, start with empathy for the other position
- Eliminate angry outbursts
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

regarding the "other" site, I still do love the books they promote for building marriages. When I read HNHN, my life changed...I immediately saw so much of what was wrong in my M that I never knew about, and I knew we could fix all of it. So if I ever get to the reconciliation stage, or start a new serious R, HNHN and other will be one of the blocks of the foundation. But as far as marital crisis, and especially A/S/D, it is a disaster, at least for me. I tried the snooping route for several weeks over the summer and I almost ended up in the hospital out of sleeplessness, vomiting and lack of appetite due to me deep, fearful attachment. After she admitted the A, I was happy that I was not going to know anything about OM, for my own sanity. All of the push to get me to investigate and snoop again brought back so many of those old feelings. Maybe that system can work for some people, but not me.

My MIL is very similar to your former neighbor, although they got a D. FIL had an A about 20 years ago (still married to OW, actually), and MIL has held onto the anger like it is a birthright. I have a cousin that is the same way. It is their favorite conversation to bring up, how unfairly they were treated. I have known from the very beginning of this mess that I did NOT want to be them. They are somewhat miserable people now. They will try to convince you that it was because of the betrayal, but it is obviously from a couple of decades of anger in their heart, burning themselves from the inside out. Already, most of my day is anger free, even when thinking about WAW.

And yes, Headspace has been a blessing. "Soft focus", allowing sounds to come to me, scanning my body for feelings...none of that comes very natural to me. But a few days in I can feel it coming easier. I will definitely stick with it.

Thanks again for stopping by, I always love your input!