Starting a new thread as the old one is about to lock.
Have been feeling pretty solid for a full month - definitely on the upswing.
Then this morning I woke up with STBX on the brain after a night of intense dreaming and I can't seem to shake him. Oddly, I'm back to feeling mostly kind of sorry for him.
I've said before that I don't really miss my husband - and that is still the case. Since he started the first affair two years ago, he has basically followed the "textbook" of treating me badly, being hostile, pushing me away, finding fault with everything I did etc. and honestly, who would miss that?
But the thing is, my STBX is not a jerk. And truthfully, in addition to loving him, I always really liked him. I've read other people's threads about how maybe the marriage was never really fulfilling. I can honestly say I was very happy most of the time (last two years excluded). When he left, he made several comments verbally and in writing about how "he couldn't believe he had turned into this guy", "he was no longer the man he once was" and that "he was a failure as a husband and father". He has since stated that "he knows this is all his fault and that he has done a terrible thing". I have no idea how sincere any of this is. My friends IRL seem to think he's just trying to get me to feel sorry for him. And yes, he has spewed a little bit since BD, but not really very much (and the stuff he has brought up has largely been nonsensical or ancient history).
I guess I feel some more sympathy for him sneaking in. I hate what he has done. I feel like he has thrown away a lot, but at this moment and time - I guess I can see the hurt he is feeling, even if I believe it is largely self imposed.
I don't trust him right now. I don't know him right now. I can't bring myself to forgive yet. But I'm glad I'm not in his shoes.
