He's been gone now 3.5 weeks or so. Saw me a total of six or seven times the month before he was out of the house and we had very limited contact outside of that.
He vented to his friend about me contacting his family and other friend about the Oxy concern - and his friend told me that's when he asked, do you want me to contact her, see what she says - and H said yes. So...on one hand he was pissed but on the other he asked his other friend to do this and H accepted the voluntary intermediary role he wanted to play. And reportedly read what I shared with interest if not confusion.
When his friend talked to me last night, he said he thought it was important we are face to face. Before he left, I was trying to do the DR thing, and not push - so I sat on my own fence and never really stated that I wanted this to work, we just talked about what had happened and went on dates, and I tried to show the changes I was making then - and these dates went well. He did his homework the MC gave him. It was only the day he was talking about leaving that I put it out there, don't you think we could stay and work on this. He declined, said he had to do this. The only other way I've stated intentions is email, and that's clearly been going badly. Solution journal - NC periods he gets even further away and it's evident when there is contact. Emails and texts are misunderstood. Talking and being in each others presence resulted in him coming home the weekend before he left and writing me some nice notes. So this is why I think there may be something to this face to face.
I booked the flight. Got trip insurance in case he says he won't see me when friend delivers the message that he advised this time and space and is helping with it. I worry about what you are all saying that this is showing him I'm not listening but it was friend who got his permission to step in here and suggested it all...so there's that. I didn't know initially when friend contacted me that he'd share my responses and I made it clear that I was trying to let go, would leave the door cracked but had no wish to bother him anymore. And I guess he read that.
C - you are reading me right. I am frustrated and all the rest at times and I vent here. None of my hurt has been acknowledged by H and it's hard to let it go, but I won't put it out there for him either when I go up there. I know where I failed this year and that's what I have to stick to in the visit, right? That and listening.
Conversations with friend that indicate it would work - friend said he did take some pause when he gave H the advice to try everything he could before letting go. Said H is all over the place and definitely angry and let down, that there is a huge gulf in how we see our sitch. Friend is trusted, has spent some time up there, and he wants to help. I am lucky that one of the boys who attended our wedding wants to help support our marriage at this point.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
