Interesting you should bring this up because I addressed it in the post I discarded.
"Many women, including me, end up here with a "WTF, I was unhappy for all those years and put up with you and now you have the audacity to leave?" mindset.
Maybell, I was also the one who wanted to leave several years before the bomb. I was desperately unhappy, and although I was really lacking in the self introspection department then, my XH was refusing to acknowledge there *was* a problem and told me flat out that I should probably go talk to someone to figure out what was wrong. I was doing that when he dropped the bomb. And what was unleashed after that point in time truly stunned me. It really pissed me off, because I had been asking for something to work with for a really long time. I came really close to leaving at one point that he begged me to go into MC to stop me. Guess who did the assignments and guess who didn't?
My sister asked me after he moved out, "Bets, are you just pissed that he pulled the trigger instead of you?" Maybell, I couldn't answer that question honestly for a really long time. The answer was, looking back, YES.
What Bug said about the baggage he carries and having an empty tool box and doing the best job he can with the tools he has, I do believe he is doing the best job he can. I realize it's a lousy bar to use, because the truth is he is unwilling to go within to figure out what the underlying issues are that encourage him to make poor choices. There are undoubtedly years of childhood programming that come into play. Nuclear family of origin issues that direct him to coping mechanisms that used to work but are now harmful.
YOU get this, Maybell. You've taken a look at some of your own FOO issues that drive some of your behaviors and thought patterns. I hope you know that they will probably all be works in progress. I have them too - I just try to manage them when they affect my NOW and figure out why. It keeps me honest.
I'll reiterate that you don't have to meet him anywhere. Ask him to put his thoughts into e-mail and send them. Hopefully, he'll realize that there is a delete button and he can edit so you don't have to hear the emotional version. Don't feel guilty about wanting to avoid physical time with him. You *do* get to call some of the shots now too. Repeat after me: I have choices. I make good decisions.
It took awhile for me and Mr. Wonderful to get to where we are now. We still have issues that crop up from time to time, and I do my level best to address them when they do. I don't like leaving old patterns on the table, as they are a teaching opportunity for both of us and our D20. She's actively looking at us (me in particular) as her baseline for her R with her BF. I'm trying to be a good role model there. Next month will be their 2 year dating anniversary, so she knows this is hard work. Things aren't perfect with them, and she's probably a hard person for her BF to work with. Why? She makes good decisions almost all of the time. She's an old soul in every sense of the word. So she considers consequences before she does anything, and that M.O. pays off. So she has little patience for those who don't do the same. She's MY work in progress, because I was a total dumbass when I was her age. She seems totally shocked when I tell her stuff. What can I say? I didn't get to 52 with some wisdom without help!
I just take one day at a time, and work with what is in front of me. Actually, I pretty much have this approach with my entire life in general. It's a learned behavior that keeps me sane. You'd also be surprised at how it eases those fear based issues that pop up. There is a lot to be said for living in the moment.
Anyway, try working with what is on your plate today and letting tomorrow take care of itself. I'll guess it's a whole lot more joyful.
Hugs, Maybell. You're getting there.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
