Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

Woke up 4am again this morning with mind wandering . Managed to get back to sleep a little. Thinking about getting out of bed and going for a run when this happens.

Was supposed to have S12 over last night but W requested a change. Wasn't expecting to hear from her then today and got ready to work and then later see IC and do Crossfit this evening.

Watched Joel Osteen today. A fabulous message about forgiving yourself and others. Talked about the story of Jonah... how he disobeyed God and still God was with him and answered his prayer. Really enjoying Joel. Maybe my new favorite show.

Did some research on a large Baptist church a minute from the condo. Saw that they have group and individual counseling for folks in separation/divorce. I will call to check it out.

...

Text from W. She wants to change the schedule again. Wants to drop S12 here tonight b/c he has bball practice late and is afraid him showering will wake the baby at her aunt's house.

I reply... "Hello W. I would love to have S12 tonight. I will be out tonight from X time so would you mind holding on to him tonight as scheduled? Friday too? Thank you."

Reply... "Sure. Thanks! He will be with you tomorrow night... correct?"

More reply... "Yes Friday is great. We need to talk about the Fridays you need moving forward. Thanks!"

More reply about how his first game is this Friday. So maybe I can't do Tango.

And more reply about how "I have to pick him up tomorrow" from school.

Noting how this exchange and her "telling me not asking me" and her fake exclamation points bother me.

I remember her ramping up her A as I started GALing in November. Like a competition... I had my mysterious outing then she had hers. That was a very painful time and lead to the PA confrontation and all the ugliness after. I don't want that to start again.

Nothing I can do about that. Just being honest about my fear right now. Makes me want to tell her what I'm doing. That I'm not going out trying to hook up and be irresponsible. That I'm working to save my life and do the great things I've always talked about doing. That's the guilt talking. Just focus on what I can change.

I have to write the letter then about the schedule before it becomes another war thing for her.

I know I got 2x4's yesterday for caring about what W does on her own time. That's why I'm pretty even right now and observing my feelings and examining why I'm having them and what I should do with them. Let them pass through and let them go.

Next time I can just say... "Hey tonight's not a good night for me. Can you please hold on to him. Thanks." Don't tell her I'm going out so I don't provoke her. Keep drama low and just detach.

I hope I didn't shoot myself in the foot again today.

Back to my day then.