JYou're probably right that she's traveling to see the other person. And you're also right to just let it happen. The more you resist, the more she is able to paint you as her adversary in her mind. Let her do her thing, and allow yourself to see her for the real person that she is revealing herself to be.
Interesting update -- since I have been agreeable to her request for the "silent retreat" she has been very friendly to me. Not overly friendly, but very friendly when discussing "business" (like plans for the kids upcoming birthdays). I know that she is on the phone with OW in the early morning hours (3 -4 a.m.) because I can hear her talking on the phone (obviously, I am still having some sleeping problems) -- has to be early a.m. because of timezone differences b/c OW is in diff country. I am also growing more and more certain that the "silent retreat" is a romantic getaway with OW which will shift the EA to a PA.
However, I can see how being agreeable to her request has diminished the "adversary" role as you described it. When I don't get in her way or prevent her from doing something she wants to do, she doesn't act like a monster around me. Just a minor positive sign because what she wants (thinks will make her happy) is to be with OW and move me out of the house. Trust me -- I know the direction we are still headed and we are a LONG way off from any hope of reconciliation. But it is encouraging to see that my behavior and actions can influence her behavior more than I originally thought when all of this began.
As I said before... I am definitely working on 180 and GAL -- for my own sake and my kids' sake -- praying for miracles, working hard on myself, working on having the patience I need for this, and trying to detach and let go with love...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Oh -- as long as I am in the house, I am not leaving the master bedroom. I am not the one choosing to break apart this family and refusing to work on rebuilding our marriage. I made THAT decision to remain in the MBR back in October at BD :-)
The house is a bit more tricky... because my income has always been lower, when we purchased it the title was drawn up with me owning a much smaller percentage because we always knew she would pay the mortgage. I can't afford this house on my own -- even with a full-time job. I will have to move out eventually. She has already threatened legal action if I don't accept the buyout offer.
I don't have a problem with the buyout offer -- I have a problem with moving anywhere without a full-time job and doing so before the end of the school year which will create disruption for the kids. My concern is with the kids and my wellbeing/ability to support myself without her assistance. Her concern right now is herself and her "happiness." She has offered to co-sign a lease for me, but I think that is just ridiculous. I am dealing with someone who likes to control EVERYTHING... I am now realizing there may also be some narcissistic behavior issues here (maybe minor NPD), but maybe that is a part of the MLC...
I will admit though that there is another motive to dragging this out to the end of the school year -- the OW is much younger and the A, so far, has only be EA and very long distance (they've never met in person), and I am hoping that with time the OW will find this less-than-ideal and eventually find someone her own age who can give her a real relationship. Most of us who have some life experience would never be in this for this long -- we would see my W's current sitch and behavior as big red flags -- but to someone very young (mid-20s), especially this OW that I actually know quite a bit about (long story there), there just isn't enough life and relationship experience to see or understand the red flags.
As for DBing...
We will be in contact enough with just co-parenting the kids that I believe DB'ing is still very possible. The A with the OW and the MLC will remain strong unless I give her the space and distance she thinks she wants. My presence around her right now -- even just being on opposite ends of the house -- just seems to increase her bitterness, anger, and the monstering behaviors.
I also think I need some space and distance in order to fully work on my own issues through my IC, 180ing, GAL, etc. I know I brought baggage into this relationship and I can see how I contributed to some of our issues -- but those issues were of the "fixable" sort and not the real cause of this MLC.
She has offered to allow me to go off on my own trip or "silent retreat" if I wish, and I am seriously considering doing that in mid-February. It will give me some time to do my own work and give her some time on her own with the kids -- which might be a heavy dose of reality for her re: so you really want to be a single mom with 3 young kids and lose out on what we, along with everyone else, viewed as an ideal sitch of 2 great moms who loved each other so much and who made such a great parenting team? I've been taking care of the kids nearly 100% on my own since late October (because of her depression, her habit of working late/coming home after I've put the kids to bed, and her late nights texting/chatting with OW which results in her sleeping late on the sofa while I am getting the kids and myself ready to leave to drop them off at school) and I am EXHAUSTED from doing it on my own for so long. I do need a break and she needs some major doses of reality.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
The A with the OW and the MLC will remain strong unless I give her the space and distance she thinks she wants. My presence around her right now -- even just being on opposite ends of the house -- just seems to increase her bitterness, anger, and the monstering behaviors.
This is all on W...no your problem nor did you bring on those behaviors. You, in her wacky mind, are the "barrier" to her happiness with the OW.
I know I brought baggage into this relationship and I can see how I contributed to some of our issues -- but those issues were of the "fixable" sort and not the real cause of this MLC.
What were the issues that you felt that you contributed to the M breakdown?
She has offered to allow me to go off on my own trip or "silent retreat" if I wish, and I am seriously considering doing that in mid-February. It will give me some time to do my own work and give her some time on her own with the kids -- which might be a heavy dose of reality for her re: so you really want to be a single mom with 3 young kids and lose out on what we, along with everyone else, viewed as an ideal sitch of 2 great moms who loved each other so much and who made such a great parenting team? I've been taking care of the kids nearly 100% on my own since late October (because of her depression, her habit of working late/coming home after I've put the kids to bed, and her late nights texting/chatting with OW which results in her sleeping late on the sofa while I am getting the kids and myself ready to leave to drop them off at school) and I am EXHAUSTED from doing it on my own for so long. I do need a break and she needs some major doses of reality.
Not a bad idea. Just gotta make sure that when you do go away, it's at time when the OW stays at her country of origin.
This is all on W...no your problem nor did you bring on those behaviors. You, in her wacky mind, are the "barrier" to her happiness with the OW.
Yep.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
What were the issues that you felt that you contributed to the M breakdown?
I believe I had trouble understanding what she needed from me when she asked and I often responded to her when we would have those talks by getting upset (crying) because I felt I was being criticized. She felt that she couldn't get through to me and didn't know how to communicate her needs to me in a way that wouldn't lead me to start crying or feel criticized. Basically -- communication issues... (which obviously goes both ways with us -- we should have gotten help for that a long time ago) But we also have different Love Languages and I didn't fully understand what those were or what that meant until recently (had never read that book or heard of those before October). My LL is PT and hers is AOS.
Also -- and this is something that was never intentional -- I stopped working full-time after the birth of our third child and continued to do part-time online work and some consulting that allowed be to be a work-from-home-mom which allowed me to handle things with the kids (drop off/pick up from school, doctor's appts, pick up if someone got sick at school, volunteering at school, etc.) but in the past couple of years the work has dropped off (not my fault -- just nature of the work I am doing) and I have not been able to pick up more part-time gigs (of similar nature) to make up the slack. So she has built up some resentment over my growing dependance (financially) on her. I am looking to go back to work full-time now that the kids are a little bit older, but I work in education and it's hard to find full-time work in the middle of the school year in my field. I know this is not an internal issue that I need to work on -- but it's something that both of us could have communicated better with one another on to avoid the build-up of resentment. I was financially independent before we met and up until the birth of our third child and have always felt very strongly about being so... I am definitely not happy with myself that this happened.
Again -- communication.
There may be more, but I need to continue doing some soul-searching and thinking more carefully about who and I am and what I bring to any relationship in order to understand how I can become a better partner, parent, friend, family member, etc.
I don't see any deal-breakers in that list/description -- I'm not abusive, and have never lied or cheated... I'm generally a good person and she has admitted that even recently. But she thinks I've failed to meet her needs which has led to her unhappiness and her loss of "in love" feelings for me (she uses MLC script language word-for-word when she explains this.)
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Not a bad idea. Just gotta make sure that when you do go away, it's at time when the OW stays at her country of origin.
Ooooohhh... great point... didn't think about that... I guess I am just assuming that her "silent retreat" is actually a trip to see or be with OW and didn't think about the other possibility. Hmmm....
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
