MLCer and EA w/ OW

[Jer2911]

My story is here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2524363&page=1

I really think my W is dealing with MLC and is not a WAW because of the symptoms I am witnessing in her behavior.

We are headed toward separation (which means divorce because we are an unmarried same-sex couple), and we have started JC (at my request) to have a safe space with a third-party to help us hashout the details of the S.

As a result of my refusal to leave the house right now (I am underemployed and seeking full-time employment but that could take a few months.) my STBX has stated that she needs to go on a week-and-a-half-long "silent retreat" to "get her head right" -- but has also stated that this is not intended to help us as a couple. She just needs time and space away form me.

I know there has been an EA ongoing since October with OW who lives in another country. OW is also 20 years younger than my W -- classic MLC affair.

I suspect that the "silent retreat" is actually going to be a romantic getaway for both of them -- which will move the EA to a PA.

I have confronted her twice (once at the end of October and once in December on the evening she finally told me that she is "done" with us and wants a S) about the EA/OW and she denied it both time saying "we are just friends." I know that is BS -- I have evidence in the form of photos of emails and letters/cards that they have mailed to each other.

We have our next JC on Monday. We have both stated that we hope to improve our communication and to build a friendship with each other for the sake of being able to successfully co-parent our three kids.

So here is my question...

At our next JC, I am tempted to say that in order for us to be friends, I need complete honesty. What I want to say is:

"I need complete honesty from you going forward. I know that you and OW are more than just friends. You have denied this twice, but both times I know you were lying. I am already dealing with the pain from knowing about your R with OW, so being honest with me now can't hurt me more than I am already hurt. I just need to know that you can be honest with me so that we can begin to rebuild the trust we will need to co-parent the kids together."

BUT -- I'm afraid that this will be viewed by her as more pressure which we are not supposed to put on our MLCer, right?

Should I just forget the idea of trying to get her to be honest about this, move forward knowing that the EA (soon-to-be-PA, probably) does exist, and just continue 180, GAL, DBing with as much patience and tough love as possible?

Even if I do ask her to be honest about that... I am unsure whether or not to ask if the "silent retreat" is actually a trip to see OW. I don't think I could ask that without it coming out with some bitterness and anger. I am being agreeable to letting her go on the "silent retreat" and have seen that my agreeable behavior has at least calmed down the monster for a couple of days (she's actually being somewhat nice to me which is a welcome change from the past couple of weeks.)

I do know that I can do nothing to stop or end the A. It will have to come to its own eventual demise in time and I just have to be patient for that time to come and hope that at some point in the future after that my MLCer can finally make her way out of the fog and the tunnel... To hope for that, but also realize it may never happen.

Thanks for any advice you can give!