it was soooo good to talk to you. Hearing you soooo happy has perked up my life somehow - it's contageous - happiness. I'm so glad for you. i couldn't find you or dawn here on forum. you've got me thinking - (shot back up to top from bottom t0 say - you'llllll be sorry you asked?) ta da:
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I guess feeling "loosely loved" is better than feeling disrespected, discarded, and despised ..., but is it enough for you?
nah - it's not really (enough or ideal) , but still better than NOTHING at all. maybe because i've "shared" every single thing in my life, mother's "love", socks, everything with four other kids - i've learned you don't have to like it- you just have to do it.
I am disgusted with ow sitch- but i don't feel inclined to suffer thru the work of going it alone. first i felt tooooooo "weak" to even think of it (I do believe mwd was and is right- if i said pick one, he'd pick her). And now, i don't pretend to know what i'm doing - biding my time i guess. regain my me-ness, feeling more like old self - still "regrouping" still loath to live wwithout any "pack" - even a lousy-ish one ) . (WELL, plus wierd "tie" to person i've spent my entire adult life with).. there's still that. he stays - and so do it. what are we doing? who knows?.)
I think the slacking off of his constant criicism, and looking for a fight, and air of dissatisfaction with me allllllllllllllllllllllll the time has contributed to my footdragging. He does not gaze at me with love- but we are lately peaceful and companionable and very very small-ly, occasionally - bordering on affectionate and i can live with it for the time being. (when i can't - i'll run i guess)
Hugely also - After watching linda & mom die, (and h's step mom, dad & aunt in last 7 yrs) the process, the sad reality of people and their pain & lonliness - scared - in pain - dying - the futility of suffering and all the bs of "having pride" in life. Or feeling compelled to have an image - or be anything other than what you are- - - i don't dislike what & who i am to be a weenford. I never said i was brave. i'm just a girl..
but as with every single thing in life - who says "we all get to have just what we want (need) all the time." It has always been a moderating thought in my entire life. I can remember thinking it back in school, as a kid, as an adult. I don't know if i'm dopey or wise or learned young that it's best to "make do" and be grateful for what you had. We certainly were not a family that was rich - nothing in my life was ever "extravagant" - but i was always pretty much "happy" and grateful anything "extra" was always a treat.
my life with r is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more "privileged" than any time else - ever. the freedom & ease it gives me - not to mention SOMEONE "sharing the load" in life - i am mentally and physically "addicted" i think to him and it.
see why i'm sooooo understanding of people who smoke - drink- shackled with an addiction that's (maybe) "killing them" even - physically or mentally- yet cannot bring themselves to break free & give it up???
it is not "killing" me or my spirit - btw. maybe it's nothing more than laziness - or incredible blind loyalty- now i don't know anymore - nor do i care today.
I ONLY WANT ABSENCE OF CHANGE, WORRY, RESPONSIBILITY, ALONENESS AS IN NO-ONE AT ALL - ANGER & SPEW - DEATH, SICNKESS, GREED (YIKES), ETC. (my very little world has been soooo rocked around last bunch of years- i am happy this minute sitting in my window with the geranium i saved and brought in, now blooming - snow on ground- xmas tree looks nice and at this one minute - i do not feel any worry or care - at all). hey- i'm probbly having a breakdown and don't even know it - after my sister & friend having their total psychotic breakdowns in my face- who the heck says it couldn't happen to me? Even with my neurotic need to de-junk my life - nagging at me- i just don't care rite now....
I just do not have the gumption to "do it to myself". i just can't - i cannot swallow one more change of personnel - one more person "checking out permanently" (even permanently feeling). soooo ta da - here i sit & glad to feel it. (or not feel anything)
I seeem to lack the "shooting for the moon" mentality. I am just "everyman or anyman" , why would or should the world hold something sooooooo magnificantly different for me than anyone else?
I love my solitude, and i am fearful of total commitment, but I am happiest when i have notion i'm a "part" of something. i guess - even something not "great" - is better than nothing. Ya know, i really miss my "pack" family. Even if it was only my self-delusion (the closeness) and i think now it was - i still miss that addiction. the notion of "happy family" - part of the gang. what a total wah -wah baby i sound like. oh well- this being human stinks...
i shudder to think how i sound- but i'm outta here. i really do need to go piddle with that tax form- and quit crying about it. i've become a big baby in life - and i do let h "daddy me" - lots of neurosis here - not goin down that road - more coffee please - wish i had a christmas cookie - i'd kill for some....
xxoo love ya man and soooooo glad for your happiness.
