Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

Yesterday at work I made some decisions with my job position and decided to change how things were done in my department. I had been worried about this and made the decision to be brave and bring this up to my boss. This is something I usually don't do, bringing up things that bother me, but I did it and I felt confident.

I was very proud of myself and have been thinking about how I did not communicate with my W in the past about my feelings; I only shared mostly things I did during the day, the mundane details. So last night I told my wife that I was proud of myself and shared my feelings with her.

She was happy for me and listened to me talk about my feelings and said she appreciated it. Then she went back into the point of view that she has had that is anger. She is upset that I did not do these things before and now that I am doing them now she is even more angry. She said she does not want to really participate and it feels like it is too little too late.

She had been out with a friend and had a couple drinks with dinner so she was pretty free and vicious with her opinions last night. She said she gave me every thing and that I gave her nothing. She gave me 10 years of her life and her body and anything I ever wanted and that I gave her nothing in return. If I had only given her on little inclination of trying she would have still felt that way. She said that we are great friends, have a great time together, are good parents together, but the spark or connection between us is gone for her.

I know she feels this way, but I do not believe her completely either. She has shown that her passion for me is alive and well when we are out of town and away from all the stress and distractions around us. She said she agrees with that but then we come back to "reality" and things aren't that way.

We talked about needing to find a way or wishing that we felt that way all the time. She said she felt our "vacation" relationship all the time before, but not now.

She said she wakes up and has to ask herself if she is happy or not. I don't know if she means with the R or in general, but she has said this before when she has kicked me out or detached from me.

To me all of this feels like a pattern where life stresses and commitments are creating a wedge or rift between us and making our marriage week or unstable. We do lack the strong emotional connection we once had, but I have been trying to find ways to rebuild it.

The conversation turned into blame or accusations and expressions of hurt and it got ugly. She said I never even fight with her, which I don't. So I decided to bring up what I felt was a hypocritical stance she was taking, bad move I am sure.

She said she loved me so much and allowed me to continue loving her the way I was and tried to get used to it. She was saying that I never new how to love her and it was partially her fault for allowing me to do it that way. So I said that me not knowing how to love her was her fault to because she never told me how she wanted to be loved.

I got a prompt "f%$k you" and she went to bed. Of course I felt bad about hurting her feelings and the direction the talk went.

This morning I sat on the side of the bed and apologized for hurting her feelings. She said she should not have talked about what she did when she was drinking. I hugged her and told her that I care for her deeply and I love her and that this is the most important thing in my life. She has the feeling that our R was not the most important thing in my life before and it hurts her.