pain meds, depression, separation turning bad

[Zelda09]

Saw the MC tonight by myself. Shared several messages with her and she pointed out a lot of the head games he is playing. I'm seeing an attorney this week for a consult. Love can hope and love endures all things and it can do all that but in the meantime I can start protecting myself so I don't have to lose anymore.

Until then...doing the things that make me happy, working on my changes with all who cross my path, and finding peace where and when I can.

[BFloat]

When dealing with both mental illness and addictions, it is a whole different ball game. And you are right.. Love isn't enough. In order for any healing or reconciliation to occur, H needs to deal with these issues.

That is why you will need to drop the rope.. Detach.. Because you can not save him. And the sooner you can recognize that and let go, the sooner H will have to decide whether he will take ownership and work on his stuff. people with addictions can be very manipulative in order to get what they feel they need. Sometimes you just have to get out of their way.

Hugs to you

[Zelda09]

Thanks for the hugs and support, all.

I was feeling pretty settled and resigned for almost 24 hours, almost getting happy thinking about being free of this situation. Dropping the rope, yay!

And then the thought. Some stupid lurking self-pitying thought. Learning that he is talking to people about moving up there permanently, a settlement that is on the horizon, a comment he made 11 months ago during a fight - "well, I'm not trying to divorce you just yet" - the way he held my hand, we cried, we talked before he bought his tickets, but was so resolute in his 6 weeks away from me decision, left his keys to the house and his truck, the way he sat stone faced in the car the day I bawled my eyes out after coming out of the counselors office, the narrative all year long that I didn't care about him (and I know his feeling were real, despite whatever the circumstances, the feelings are always real)...the counselor told me he may have distanced systematically as he started facing his addiction...the way his friends tell me he shuts down and won't talk about any of this with them...

And it hit me like a ton of bricks, this was planned. Whether consciously or subconsciously, and he's not at peace with it, but he's laid a path a long time ago to do this. That as our separation started looking bright while he was in town, he fought it to the point that he still got on that plane. The increasing anger and coldness since he's been there.

Crap it hurts. A good man exists in that body with the other person I don't know. And they both came to a decision that this is what they wanted to do.

How can I stop torturing myself like this? I keep trying to think my way through it all and even though I can see where I didn't show him love in a lot of ways that mattered to him and was so frustrated...there were times I did just sit beside him as he ranted and raged and held him...I wasn't so awful, but why else would he have chosen to walk away?

[Zelda09]

Please help - a friend of his has reached out to me to see what happened and has offered his place for the weekend if I were to come up and try to meet with my H face to face. He feels guilty for his participation in the 'f the b, get on with your life, be happy, get a divorce' party he and his buddies had during Thanksgiving with my H after hearing my side of things and observing for himself the strangeness.

I feel so conflicted. I want to drop the rope. I want to go NC.

But like his friend says, maybe sitting down with him is the only thing that can turn this around now, he spoke of a tipping point. Said that when he shared my responses with him, he was like, "where was this person during my marriage?"

What to do. Fly up there or leave the rope dropped.

[edz]

Hi Zelda

catching up on your sitch but one question I would ask is this a limited time offer? Does it have to be this weekend or can you have a think about it?

[Zelda09]

Edz - Idk. Friend says he senses a tipping point my H is moving past and is recommending this weekend.

[edz]

Ah I see, well I'm not a vet so if one happens along I'd disregard my advice and go with them but I suppose the question is what do you stand to lose vs. what could you gain.

From what I've read so far, same as me, you want - for your mind - to know you did everything will you be comfortable if you don't go or will it stop you moving on? Similarly you seemed to be getting to the point where you were happy to move on and drop the rope will you still be comfortable with that.

From the gain perspective will H be amiable to talking? Given what you said above about "where was this person" maybe being friendly and warm may open up the way to talking more.

If you do are you comfortable going in with no expectations?

Sorry I know there are more questions than answers there.

[Zelda09]

Thanks, Edz.

I think he would meet with me. Before he left, we did well face to face. The no contact and emails, texts have driven us further apart. So, there is that. I think with the support of a close friend this is a good chance.

But I also look at his actions - a man that despite the emotions he still had - hell, he told me he loved me before he left - was still bent on distancing himself like this and laying the groundwork for a new life. It may not do any good. But I think I'd always wonder if I don't take his friend's offer?

If I go, I can go strong. Not crying, or pleading. Strong and soft. No expectations, because it really can't get worse (I should never say that). My mom is angry that I am pursuing this, someone who is so lost and self-consumed. She says that he's not going to give me the answers I want about wanting to work on our marriage and he's made it clear if I would just listen to him. My best friends say it's my marriage, fight for it. They all tell me to be realistic about what is likely, and not my best hopes though.

I had a nightmare before I woke this morning that he'd come back to our house, and instead of bones and flesh, when he took off his shirt there was a weird fungus that had turned everything to that foam filler you use around your house, and he was like, 'eh, no big deal, I'm sure it'll clear up.'

[edz]

Not the only one with odd dreams cant remember my recent ones but I get flashes that W was returning in them and then something else happens. Think its inevitable when we're dealing with so many thoughts and feelings that our brains have a tumble dry spin of them at night!

I think - and again vets chime in - if you can listen, validate and be warm and friendly but go in with no expectations of anything other than saying "well, I tried that" then I think its a good idea.

Again I'm catching up and I know, boy do I know, the support we all need from friends and family but whilst your Mom has your best interests at heart DBing says to be careful on family advice and getting them too involved, e.g. my Dads been saying my M is over since last July and I thank him for his support and caring but try to keep him on the periphery.

[Hoju]

Hey Zelda, much like edz I'm far from a vet and have had no success in my own sitch so take this with a grain of salt.

All I would suggest is think about what your H has said and consider this as a tunnel, have you been down it before? Did you find any cheese in pursuit? Is there some reason this time would be different then the last?

You're correct, going probably wont make anything worse. However, it may prolong the healing.