Yeah, I agree. My W had SIL go through the house and then freaked out at me that SIL picked the wrong things...no winning in this one. I helped her pack and load since she had friends helping her. It was what I needed to do for me, to be okay with myself, but to each their own. Don't expect any thanks. I got two comments..."Stop Hovering" and when I asked if she needed anything else I got "I need you to get away from me." Oh well, like I said I helped because of me.
Anyway, I went to Ikea right after she left and got the whole house looking tip-top shape for the kids before they even got back home after the weekend. Now I've got my grandfather's old fishing rods and antique saws to hang up. Manly stuff with a sentimental touch.
I can't comment on the nail clippings. I was a culprit with that, nervous habit...my W hated it. Maybe that is what caused the S
Sorry, TMI for you guys.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Jim, I think there is a recall on Mk7. Something about losing acceleration? Good thing you are upgrading to a Mk8.
More seriously though, in reading your posts lately you do seem to have turned a leaf the last week or so. Is that fair to say? Or are you just holding out on us given Mozza's comments earlier? Very much hoping it is the former
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
(((Jim)))...I am finally catching up after a few days away and my heart just goes out to. What you said about how wife told kids your S was a mutual decision really resonated with me because that is the story my XH wants to tell as well. I let him tell his daugthers that, but I told my family and friends teh real story. My heart hurts for you but I know you are going to be just fine and dandy.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Mk7 recall - that was a lame attempt a joke. I have a VW Polo and there was a recall due to problems with losing acceleration. Thought you might have heard about it. If not, that would have been an obscure statement!
Something about the way you are writing recently sounds like you are taking things a bit more in stride (rather than analysing things and predicting the future). I wondered if this was Jim turning a new leaf or if that was in response to Mozza questioning why you were posting about some of your interactions with textbook WAW.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
It wasn't lame. Obscure but not lame. You should see how many 80s cartoon references I get in at work.
Not sure, certainly mozza's post got to me a bit (not in a bad way I hasten to add). It just pointed out for the umpteenth time that my over analysis isn't actually getting me anywhere, and yes you guys really don't need to read me going round the sane loop to get the same advice.
So part that
Part, and I know people think I have blinders on, im really accepting there is OM but actually he has nothing to do with WHY she is leaving. A lot of what people say is spew I don't think it is, its how she feels - sure some of it makes no logical sense but its not about that. She's hurt, confused, scared of me, doesn't trust me and fundamentally just isn't happy. She doesn't want to hurt me (she's trying her best not to, I can see that) but she feels trapped and just wants out so she can take care of herself. She's on her journey and it doesn't involve me anymore.
Part, Im starting to accept that can't heal from this while she is here. I don't like it, and she won't see my changes when she goes but at some point this torture has to end. So yes it feels like an ending but my W is long bolted while I stare wistfully at the now empty stable.
And part, because Christmas was hard, it really took its toll on me and the argument on Sunday night was really significant in a bunch of ways. She asserted her boundaries forcefully and I just spewed and manuevered until I could shift the ground to attack her (I've always done this apparently). I wasn't in control of me at all. I learnt a lot about me and how she perceives me and to be honest its given me pause to reflect rather than analyse.
So have I turned over a new leaf, who knows, but right now I'm feeling much more at peace even if really quite sombre.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
It is called insight and growth. A life long journey, thank goodness.
Every human needs this but not every human has the grace to make the changes needed to grow. But you have, accept it, embrace and as much as you can enjoy it.
It is a gift
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yeah, I'll take that as Jim has turned a new leaf! Acceptance, reflection….all good things. As Vanilla said, you have insights that you didn’t have not so long ago. Now the question is what new features will be included in Jim Mk 8 in response to these new insights?
In regards to your wife being hurt - does that allow you to come to her from a place of compassion rather than anger? I have certainly found this in my own sitch (though I don’t know if there is an OW and I suspect that would make it harder).
I tend to agree with you BTW re the spew reflecting her feelings. I think to “believe half of what they say, and only half of what they do” is designed to protect OUR feelings to ensure we can carry on. There’s a noble goal there but I think we do need to be careful not to be dismissive of their feelings, however impacted they are by the chemicals of infatuation, alien juice, etc.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I tend to agree with you BTW re the spew reflecting her feelings. I think to “believe half of what they say, and only half of what they do” is designed to protect OUR feelings to ensure we can carry on. There’s a noble goal there but I think we do need to be careful not to be dismissive of their feelings, however impacted they are by the chemicals of infatuation, alien juice, etc.
Good point there, no OM in my sitch (again always add that I know of) but w has always bottled everything up and then exploded, BD was the grand finale (so far) of that behaviour. I think thats why the "believe" is balanced out by validation (theres a good cheat sheet on that stickied somewhere in newcomers I believe). Now all I need to do is actually get my w to talk about - anything - related to the m or r on her own behalf and not just leave things as they are and focus entirely on my s's diary.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
My peacefulness is to an extent resignation. I realise the mental place her mind is at and how far from our M that is.
I cheerfully do her a favour (she asked so I wasn't imposing) and she feels like she HAD to be nice to me and that she'll 'pay for that later'
She can't find some clothes, I've no idea where they are but the insuiation is that I've hidden them.
She sees, and I don't know how long for has seen, a version of me that I didn't recognise at all and only now recognise in part but her rationalising her hurt in this way is no different to me putting it all on OM and affair fog
Mk7 Jim has had some pretty unpleasant bugs as well, not seen in previous versions. Not new ones just massively amplified. At least for mk 8 there will be a better owners manual.
One new feature for mk 8 will be a pause button. If you ever watched how I met your mother, two of the characters had a 'pause' agreement with their arguments. While they were paused they didn't stew and could calm themselves while both knowing the issue wasn't done. For me taking a few minutes to process will really help, especially if I then don't avoid unpausing
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
