I thought everything was okay...(Part 2)

[MCS]

Mozza,

I understand what you are saying, but I think my main concern is the total dysfunctional communication that we have.

At first, I had some huge trust issues, I actually thought the first weekend that she left then wanted the kids after disappearing for over a week and didn't want to tell me where she was taking them or when she was going to bring them back that she had some sort of emotional breakdown and I was actually fearing for their safety. That was a horrible feeling. Mainly I felt there was something seriously wrong, because the BD was so unexpected for everyone and she went from 0-60 within a day would start to work on Reconcile than change back day after day during BD week (found out later she was talking to OM each day at work.) Then weeks later, I found out about OM, and all of the things she did with the kids to put him first before, during and after the S and that then wrecked my trust even more.

I've told her this at mediation and said that it would take a while for me to begin trusting her because she's admitted that she's been deceiving me and everyone else over the last year (as well as other EA's that I had no clue over the last 15 years.) I have felt my trust in her is getting better but to be honest; she's so different I'm not sure if what's she's doing is being done upon advice from her Lawyer on how to counteract 'abandonment.' I was told by her BF that she never realized that she could be accountable for that by just up and disappearing. She literally looked into my D4's eyes, said bye and got in the car and disappeared for days. As far as abandonment, she' doing exactly what she would need to come back from totally leaving the kids behind....keep paying bills, make an effort to be with the kids, try and make the time a true 50/50 and go to counseling.

So over-analyzing, mind-reading, trying to make sense of it all below. I haven't shared most of this on the board, because it doesn't matter in DB, because its in the past. But for the most part, I've pieces this together knowing the W and her personality, how our M was before/after kids and the M for the last year, and some things that she said to me when we did connect. I've come up with this....


So, she pretty much admitted to me that for the month prior to BD; she was trying everything to get OM to leave his GF and be with her instead. The hotel room, texting pictures, buying stuff for him, etc. I think he said 'no' and W decided that instead of facing me on this A that ended and I had no clue, it was better to leave. We never talked about how infidelity would affect our M ever, but her BFF got cheated on and when she found out did an accelerated D. I also think she thought leaving me would push him over the edge to leave GF. Then the House purchase (within 1/4 mile of OM) and ~30 minutes from D4 Daycare and S5 School was another push to make it easy for him to leave. There's a bunch more pursuit I saw when I was trying to figure this all out that definitely showed that she was 'all in' on trying to get him.

I think not confronting me about the A for over a year is where the 'fear' and 'paranoia' came in about me, she held the secret from everyone including BFF's. I think if she felt that if she told me I'd go ballistic, I'd tell everyone what happened and she'd get a Scarlet Letter. Well, after I told her I knew about OM (and screwed up and told her our friends had to convince me that there was an A,) she told me 'everything' (which I'm sure is not everything) and I said "Ok, I understand that we got into this....let's try to see if we can make it work." Which caused her to open a little, but then realize she wasn't ready to give up on him (I said I didn't want to be 'Plan B') or ever prepare to go back to our M. So, now that's still not working and she still thinks if I find out more of what and how long things have happened that I'll go ballistic, (or worse yet for her, say I'm still willing to work on M) but doesn't want to tell me because she's still thinking there's no turning back.

Anyway, to me it seems we still have that emotional connection to share things and it makes her vulnerable to opening up more than she's comfortable doing, so she's avoiding it at all costs. Then, she's a very motivated person to follow through on what she starts and I think that's where she's trying to keep herself convinced that she left all because of me and not because she tried to start a formal R with OM and it fell through. Found out today she stopped talking to BFF's again about the sitch and has moved on to 'other friends' that are helping her out (i.e. OM and GF)

Lastly, I think I struggled with what went wrong in M because at first I was looking at the last year. Well, I look back now at the time the A started and it was a rough 6 months or so for the M. I was busy at work, she was overwhelmed, kids were a handful, etc. I remember her telling me things to change and I did, but I think the A had taken hold by the time I changed and she was starting to emotionally check out even though M got better (confirmed by W through a friend.) At that time, its seems like depression may have started to kick in because of what she was doing and her self esteem dropped because she was leading 2 lives. So even though I changed, it was too late and when she BD'd she said she felt guilty all the time when she's around me (which I think was a symptom of hiding the A.) But I bought it during BD and it was an easy out of the M for her because I was so clueless.

Anyway, sorry but today, it's good to write this down. Days like today I start to believe that I'm the horrible person she says I am; but looking back through here; I have a responsibility in the destruction of our M, but not solely. That helps my mood tonight, I guess.