So, we've had a good-ish week, I think. Journaling a bit --
12/30: H calls me on the way home from work. We have not discussed NYE. He tells me that he has something that he wants to do but he doesn't want me to think he's withdrawing from me. He wants to go to [town where we went to college] and hang out with a friend. I tell him that I have always valued independence in our R, but it's hard to not see this as withdrawing from me under the circumstances (1st NYE apart in 13 years). He panics and thinks I'm telling him he can't go. (As though I have that power???) I tell him that I'm not saying that, I'm speaking from my heart. I tell him that I want him to go and have a good time, and I appreciated how he approached me about. He wraps with, "So I did a good thing, by calling you and talking to you about." And I tell him yes, that was the perfect way to do it. I tell him that I know he wanted me to say, "Yes, go have fun with your friend!" as soon as he asked. I explain that I could have done that, but it wouldn't have been sincere; however, now that we've talked I can honestly say that I want him to go and I hope he enjoys himself. H seems to feel as good about this conversation as I do. It took less than 10 minutes, and we both felt good about the outcome.
So then I say, "Hey, since we're not going to see each other tomorrow, how about I come over for a little *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* tonight." (There's a little bit of backstory here, but we've had to put off 2 planned, uh, get-togethers in the past couple of weeks.) H says, "Well, I'm going to be really busy packing and doing laundry tonight. How about another time?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I tried to stay calm but the conversation really deteriorated from there. We ended up on the phone for nearly two hours, going around in circles. Finally, we both agree to disagree and we apologize to each other. H promises that everything is ok. H comes over to pick up D7 for the night and acts like everything is not ok. I ask him, and he says, "It was until you said something!" Not buying that for a second. H leaves and then sends me a couple of anger-texts (which is a little out of character for him). I call him back and ask him if he would like to talk. He says after D7 goes to bed. H calls me back and we talk again. (This is the conversation I mentioned in my earlier post.) It actually goes well and at the end he makes a real attempt to give me what I need. I ask him what he would do if he were here, and he says, "I would give you a hug."
12/31: H comes over in the am to drop off D7. He gives me a huge bear hug and a kiss and says, "Happy New Year!" Later in the day I get a random text: "I love you and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."
1/1: H calls me around 3pm, on his way home from [college town], to say hello. (Not many of those phone calls happening these days, so that was nice.) H says he'll be getting back late. H asks if I would like to get together on Friday or Saturday. I choose Friday.
1/2: H comes over for dinner and games with D7 and I. I make food from "back home." After D7 goes to bed, H says that he isn't feeling well and asks if we can reschedule the rest of the evening for the following night. I say that's fine (genuine PMA) and I hope he feels better.
One weird thing: H makes a point of mentioning that he hugged me (D7 asked for a "D7 sandwich" when he got there) and he wanted to make sure I noticed so I "wouldn't think he wasn't touching me." I wish he would just, you know, make it so obvious that he doesn't have to wonder whether or not its enough but okay, this is a start.
1/3: H comes over after D7 goes to bed and we have sex.
1/5: My favorite day of the month (/sarcasm) -- time for the money talk! I bring it up when he comes by to pick up D7 for the night. We both acknowledge that we are not happy with the current financial arrangement -- he thinks he gives too much, I think he has a poor attitude about it in general. H suggests that we talk about it at MC on Thursday, but I say that I already have something I want to talk about. H looks at me quizzically and asks, "What do you want to talk about?" I say, "I just want to reflect back on some things that have happened over the past few weeks."
H: Good or bad? Me: Uh, good, I guess. But we can talk more about it on Thursday. H: I feel like you don't want to tell me. Me: Now is just not a good time. [And it isn't. We are in the entry way with D7 between us, putting on her shoes and packing up her things for the night.] H: Okay, now I'm nervous. Me: Don't worry, it's nothing bad.
(The reality is that I want to talk about how I feel like he's really reaching out and doing the things I need, but I still feel like it's lacking in sincerity. I want to talk about whether or not it's working for him, because if he's resents it every step of the way it's not a tool that's going to help bring us back together.)
Before he leaves, I tell him that we should talk about the money situation in MC too if that's what he wants, or do it another time soon. I ask if he still wants to find a solution that works for both of us and he said yes.
