Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[jim0987]

It wasn't lame. Obscure but not lame. You should see how many 80s cartoon references I get in at work.

Not sure, certainly mozza's post got to me a bit (not in a bad way I hasten to add). It just pointed out for the umpteenth time that my over analysis isn't actually getting me anywhere, and yes you guys really don't need to read me going round the sane loop to get the same advice.

So part that

Part, and I know people think I have blinders on, im really accepting there is OM but actually he has nothing to do with WHY she is leaving. A lot of what people say is spew I don't think it is, its how she feels - sure some of it makes no logical sense but its not about that. She's hurt, confused, scared of me, doesn't trust me and fundamentally just isn't happy. She doesn't want to hurt me (she's trying her best not to, I can see that) but she feels trapped and just wants out so she can take care of herself. She's on her journey and it doesn't involve me anymore.

Part, Im starting to accept that can't heal from this while she is here. I don't like it, and she won't see my changes when she goes but at some point this torture has to end. So yes it feels like an ending but my W is long bolted while I stare wistfully at the now empty stable.

And part, because Christmas was hard, it really took its toll on me and the argument on Sunday night was really significant in a bunch of ways. She asserted her boundaries forcefully and I just spewed and manuevered until I could shift the ground to attack her (I've always done this apparently). I wasn't in control of me at all. I learnt a lot about me and how she perceives me and to be honest its given me pause to reflect rather than analyse.

So have I turned over a new leaf, who knows, but right now I'm feeling much more at peace even if really quite sombre.