Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[25yearsmlc]

Gosh HP, you've certainly sparked some responses here!

How about some goals for January on:

anger/detachment

co-parenting

GAL?

Toots xx

I like this^^^^.

For ME,

Detachment requires GAL and that comes first...and the more I GAL the happier I became with my own life and the more I detached....and eventually I really came to believe that h's choices were ALL HIS Own and that whatever happened to him, I wished him well - especially with the kids,

but not at my expense. HP, you asked "HOW" can you ever really believe you'll reconcile when you feel this way.

2 comments.

1) you won't R, if you keep nurturing all the hurt and pain and anger and let it fester and poison your life (and your son's...)

2) I told my sisters my m "was over. I cannot see us getting past all this and at best, I'd give us a 10% chance of making it."

That was said, more than once, in 2006.

But I wasn't focussed on my h when he began to awaken. I was all about ME and the kids and having a positive future and making the best of it.

See, that's the paradox here. We, the LBSers are forced to make a choice.

We become bitter people or we become Better people.

If you choose to improve yourself then you'll GAL and detach and her behavior simply won't carry this ENORMOUS weight you attach to it. So yeah, it does get easier.

But it's not like this^^ lesson was a fast one for me. I spend half of my 2 "true DB" years, NOT getting it. Fuming and asking "WHY???" and "HOW CAN HE DO THIS??" at least hundreds of times.

I cannot even read my old posts now b/c I get so annoyed with myself (or upset at h all over again. NOT productive!)

So I pass on to you advice that I hope will save you time and get you moving faster.

I'll share some GAL ideas for you later but I DO believe you must mostly make it about new experiences with people who don't know or remind your of your w or the situation. Planning and taking a major trip to Italy, just with my kids, was a HUGE wonderful experience and maybe, maybe was an "aha" moment for h...he could not reach us when we were gone and oops, I didn't plan on his coming so no, there wasn't room for him at the end for "some of it"...(WTH? No, you don't join us on a trip we've planned for MONTHS at the last minute for PART of it which = us changing our plans for your work, again, etc) But I was polite and warm and thanked him for the ride to the airport...

I don't think most 'GAL should be solo things. Yes I worked out a lot -mostly alone and that was valuable "me time", and that helped heal me physically and spiritually and emotionally.

But it was the things I did with other people that kept me sane and feeling as if I had a future as a solo parent AND OR as a partner for someone...

and btw, I dated too. I'm sure H did as well. Mostly dating OMs reminded me of how well suited h and I had been.

But there were also OMs out there that I really enjoyed meeting and spending time with so the fact that they existed, helped me Not feel "trapped" into staying m.

I chose to stay m b/c I honestly felt that h would still make the best partner for me but hey, HP, I did NOT believe that in 2006. I really didn't believe it...

Just trust that this is a process that you cannot fast forward your way through...but you can make some of this easier on you and your son

GAL, detach, make the best of this situation because in the grand scheme of things, you are a lucky man.