I was feeling pretty settled and resigned for almost 24 hours, almost getting happy thinking about being free of this situation. Dropping the rope, yay!
And then the thought. Some stupid lurking self-pitying thought. Learning that he is talking to people about moving up there permanently, a settlement that is on the horizon, a comment he made 11 months ago during a fight - "well, I'm not trying to divorce you just yet" - the way he held my hand, we cried, we talked before he bought his tickets, but was so resolute in his 6 weeks away from me decision, left his keys to the house and his truck, the way he sat stone faced in the car the day I bawled my eyes out after coming out of the counselors office, the narrative all year long that I didn't care about him (and I know his feeling were real, despite whatever the circumstances, the feelings are always real)...the counselor told me he may have distanced systematically as he started facing his addiction...the way his friends tell me he shuts down and won't talk about any of this with them...
And it hit me like a ton of bricks, this was planned. Whether consciously or subconsciously, and he's not at peace with it, but he's laid a path a long time ago to do this. That as our separation started looking bright while he was in town, he fought it to the point that he still got on that plane. The increasing anger and coldness since he's been there.
Crap it hurts. A good man exists in that body with the other person I don't know. And they both came to a decision that this is what they wanted to do.
How can I stop torturing myself like this? I keep trying to think my way through it all and even though I can see where I didn't show him love in a lot of ways that mattered to him and was so frustrated...there were times I did just sit beside him as he ranted and raged and held him...I wasn't so awful, but why else would he have chosen to walk away?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
