Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you Wonka, Calibri, rppfl, and LITB. I did not DB regarding W today. I didn't even try.

With each one of her contacts today... I did a repulsed reaction instead of a "time to be cordial b/c it's my goal" response.

Thank you for asking what my expectation is by ignoring her LITB. That is a very good question and made me think about how I've been today and other days like this...

Great listening and great insights are happening for you HP, even when you doubt them.

Of course, all the insights in the world are useless, if your behavior remains the same...

Start asking yourself routinely, as a matter of course, whether ANYTHING you want to say or do around or to or for your wife, or NOT do, is going to get you closer to your short OR long term goal.

Your short term goal, I think, is to learn to detach so that you can better live now and later, better interact with her.

Is that^^ a fair assessment of your current plan?

My acting this way doesn't get me anything. It's me rejecting her and not accepting her and wanting her to know that b/c that's how I've let myself feel since this morning.

This is not my DB plan... this was me hating her today. For her decisions... for changing the schedule again so now I have to step up to her again... for inviting me again to do something together to help her under these circumstances.

= for hurting you.

All that is wrong of me yes. And on a low hanging fruit day. Yes could have simply said... "Hey W I'm already at the house sweeping and vacuuming thanks."

Instead... later I texted... "Hello W. Went by the house earlier and straightened up a little. Let me know if you need anything else."

She said... "Hey thanks. I am here now. Will get s11 at x time."

This morning lying in bed for 2 hours... I left that feeling hopeless about my M. I don't know what she's doing now... What she wants or what she's thinking b/c we don't talk b/c I left and I don't talk to her.

And probably b/c she does not know what she wants yet. Stop mind reading. Look at your own confusion and now, imagine it x 10 and maybe that's how your wife feels. Remember that empathy plan your DB coach mentioned? Try to remember it more.

Also, there's something that helped me to stay calm around my h and his calls and believe me when I say, that I believed for far too long that If i said just the right set or words in just the correct order, THEN he'd wake up! THEN he'd come home and be happy and grateful and yada yada....as a L, I'm trained as a "wordsmith" to believe in the power of words.

So it was very VERY hard for me to see my verbal skills get me nowhere...at all. Especially when I was angry. OMG the more h saw my anger, the more justified he felt and the more he fled. Exactly the opposite of my goal.

So, I began to "turn it over to God". (Use whatever term or concept you have for your "Higher Power", or God or whatever. But for me, it's Him).

I'd literally take a shower to get privacy and not be overheard by my kids,

and I'd think the words, THEN say and THEN hear myself say, "God, I turn this m over to you. I turn my anger/pain over to you."

And somehow it really helped. Every time I did that and then saw or was called by h, i was much calmer. This helped me parent better too. And it helped me reach my short term goals faster...

My short term goals were to engage in some form of communication or talk or any decent conversation on the phone, and then be the one to end the conversation politely, and NOT have had a conflict...the only way for me to do that, was to turn it over.

Maybe you could try that.

I'm irritated at another invitation from her to be in the same space she's in to help her under these circumstances. I'm frustrated she keeps calling me after I've made it clear a few times to call me only on S11 emergencies. She just called me again and left a VM. Now she want to rearrange the finances she agreed to... me taking the all taxes and her claiming just her own pay for the S11 tuition so she can maybe get financial aid. I've already told her I'm not leaving the tuition to her and I'm sick of this.

Ranting. I'm not doing the confident steady man at all right now. It's just everyday with her. I'm wearing down again.

Stop letting her have all this rent free space in your head. You are NOT around her much at all and the fact is, if you were GAL more, you would not have so much time to spend fuming at her and feeling all the contact and non contact that you seem to feel.

You are making this harder than it has to be (and that's saying a lot).


GAL for real and let the dust settle. This is Not a linear process.