Trying to stay patient- part 7

[Mozza]

I'm glad you gave us an update. I was just thinking about you this week. Sorry it's been rocky, though it's been like that for a long time.

So the last couple weeks went about as expected- disagreements on who would have the kids on what days while MIL was in town. I tried to propose a schedule prior to her arrival, but W essentially ignored it and would just text the kids when she was on her way to pick them up. Frustrating because my options were to just let her take the kids whenever she pleased or tell her they're not going and risk a fight with her. It takes two to agree to a schedule.

Be consistent. It's no mystery: she picks them up at will because you let her. Consistently stick to the schedule and she'll learn. Be calm: "I understand you would have liked to see the kids just now, but that's not what we agreed upon." You can also be silent when she lashes out: your point is made. Pack the schedule so that you're not home when she wants to pick the kids. Even on normal weeknights with the kids, I have plans (Christmas tree! cooking brownies!) and guests.

W and I had been getting along pretty well prior to last week, so I asked if she had any interest in hanging out NYE. When she finally gave me an answer, she said she'd rather not have to explain to MIL because she'd have expectations (wanting us to work things out). Felt like that was a weak excuse, especially when I found out that she got together with the OM circle of friends the next night.

The invitation was pursuing. So what if you two get along? If you're DBing, let her make the invitations. It will be like this for months, even if it gets much better. You're the one that's hard to get. Be fun when she's around, that's how you extend an invitation for the next time.

I'm tired of being lied to- lied to throughout our S, lied to while we were going to MC, lied to about OM contact while we were trying to rebuild a friendship...so I sent W a text asking if that was true. She responded that she didn't have to tell me anything anymore and that she was done. I had hurt and manipulated her too much. I had made friendship impossible. She's getting her own atty and filing.

Well done.

I responded calmly reiterating that as long as she was still in contact with OM, a friendship between us would not work. We went back and forth for a few mins with a few 'whatever's from her before she stopped responding. She prefers to shut down rather than discuss.

Oh really? I wonder why. It would be so much fun for her to discuss and she has so much to gain from it -- all these nice things you'd say to her, all the good feelings that you'll share. You should have stopped texting after you established your boundary. Now you let her finish with the upper hand.

I know that I didn't follow the DB process much these past couple weeks, but I refuse to be a pushover when it comes to the kids. Honesty is a huge part of friendship to me and if I have evidence that W is continuing to lie to me about hanging out with OM (even if they are just friends now), I don't want to be M to her. That is a boundary that I refuse to budge on.

DBing is not for pushovers. I don't know where you got that idea. You've been a pushover when it comes to the kids schedule (let her ignore the schedule), unless I misunderstood your description.

As usual, you just want to do what you want. Just an observation. I know how hard it is to control one's feelings and actions and it's been a constant in your sitch.

I also think you're very far from ready to have her back. You'll fall back into all your controlling behaviors as soon as she's back and you two will last about a month or a year. You still need to work a lot on yourself and think about your impulse control and how it will affect your future. No one else has to live with it but you.