Singing in the Lifeboat

[daring]

AJ, FY, Shining and 123Gwen thank you for the encouragement and kind words!

AJ- I am sometimes too strong I have learned, in that I won't always let someone help me or lean on them. Partially because if issues in my own upbringing. One of the lessons learning through this journey is to focus my strength where it helps me heal but also allow my vulnerability to be present. It's tough but good growth for me.

FY- I'm glad you like the lifeboat analogy! I'm trying to remember that it's our attitude and reactions to what's happened to us, more than the event itself, that are most important.

Shining- I'm working ony attitude- you are leading the way in having a good one for sure! I had a great time at game night- more on that in a minute.

123Gwen- thank you for your compliments. I am a recovering " fixer" so I totally get your comment about having empathy versus trying to manage or fix the situation for our spouses.

So update- game night was awesome and at the last minute H texted me he wasn't going to go as he was sick and so was D13. I asked if was that he preferred we both not be there and if so I could stay with kids. He said not at all, he's perfectly comfortable with me, just didn't feel well.
So I went and we stayed up until 230 AM playing games! We decided it needs to be a recurring thing that we rotate houses to do we had so much fun. There was even a new person from neighbor's work who was a single guy and he was flirting with me quite a bit. At least made me feel good

Today was eldest S 20th birthday and we all went out to dinner he requested to do. Was nice although I'm coming down with a cold- I think kids are sharing- so I was bit tired.
Afterwords we came back to my house to do cake. Before H left he asked if I was ok with tonight ( I guess in reference to dinner all together). I said yeah I was fine- just not feeling good. He said well sometimes you are ok and sometimes not. ( As far as doing things together). It's interesting that he asks those things- shows just how much this crisis and D are about his own issues as he still checks in on me and my feelings.

It's all so strange some days I just stop and think- Is this really where my life is at right now? I'm sure we all do that at times. Back to singing in the lifeboat....

[daring]

Been having a couple of down days. Not terrible, just kind of blah.
In good news H got a job- started yesterday. Hopefully he will like it and stick with it for awhile.
Today he texted me to say he needed to go to my house and look for his SS card or birth certificate for his work paperwork and was it ok to do that. At least he asked.
My lawyer emailed me today about discussing the settlement proposal to give back to H. I'm sad but in some ways I feel like " whatever". I think I'm growing weary of all of this. Too bad it won't provide the magic fix he thinks it will.

[job]

Sounds like you are not feeling up to par. Then again, the "high" of the holidays is wearing off too.

I'm happy to read that your h got a job! That's great news! He should feeling better about not having to worry too much about how he's going to make ends meet.

No, the divorce paperwork will not be the magic fix for him. They all think that once the ink is dry on the decree, life will be rosy and they will have it all. Doesn't always work that way. He will find that out soon enough.

Please take care of yourself.

[123Gwen]

Daring, please be kind to yourself. You have every reason in the world to feel weary. I mean weary is an understatement. Hang in there. {{{hugs}}}

[daring]

Job and 123Gwen- I agree it is a combination of post holidays and all the crap going on that has me weary.

This week has been very busy as I'm on call, and I'm sick again, so haven't had a chance to exercise or pamper myself. On the flip side I've had some wonderful moments with patients- one especially who had a horrible outcome previously and delivered a healthy baby this week. Those moments are so precious to me!

So other than work this week has been busy with legal stuff. I met with my D lawyer who put me in touch with a real estate lawyer in FL to work on this foreclosure and understand my potential liability as well as maybe negotiate down the debt.
I also am talking with a lawyer and case manager to get my mom supplemental Medicaid coverage as it looks like she will need long term care.

So today I texted H to let him know about the FL lawyer and said if I hire him to negotiate down the debt I would like him to split the cost with me. He asked a few questions and said ok but would like to see what info he gathered. H wasn't rude but did seem to be focusing on whether it would be worth it and would the lawyer even be able to help. Finally I texted back " how about thank you for trying?" ( I added a smiley face at the end to keep it from being too sassy). He texted back immediately and apologized and said you are right and thank you.

Seriously.... This is technically something he could have done a long time ago and didn't, and it's mostly his liability that I will be helping him with in this process.

I know this is a little thing but I'm proud of myself for calling him out on not appreciating the effort. Before I would have let that go and tried to be understanding of his crisis and would have allowed myself to feel put upon. But I'm not doing that now. I'm not being ugly or unreasonable, but when I'm not receiving a response I think I should- I'm saying so.
Eggshells have been tossed out of my life

[job]

I'm sorry to read that you are not feeling well (again). The stress of everything as well as being on call isn't helping your immune system. You are probably running on empty. I do hope that you'll be able to get some rest very soon and recharge your battery.

I think you are wise to seek out legal counsel about the property in FL. You need to know how to handle that so that you don't have any unpleasant surprises down the road. BTW, kudos to you for calling out your h about not saying thank you for trying. They may be in mlc, but that doesn't mean they can't recognize us for the little extras that we do when it comes to trying to help get the finances in order. You did it in a very nice way that got your point across.

I'm not surprised that your mom is going to require long term care. At least you are staying on top of this for her and hopefully you'll be able to get the supplemental Medicaid coverage she requires. How is mom doing?

Daring, please take care of yourself. I'm worried that you are running yourself ragged and not taking a wee bit of time to recharge.

[123Gwen]

I hate eggshells

[daring]

Thanks Job- you're right I am running myself ragged. But I slept in both days this weekend and an trying to get back to healthy eating to keep my stress from getting the best of me.
Mom is hanging in there, I see some slight improvement in memory but it's slow going. Had to dig through her apt today to find my power of attorney papers but finally got them. That should help with getting her supplemental coverage.

123Gwen- me too! Much better to walk on smooth surfaces!

So today was interesting-
H came by and took home D13s friend for me who stayed the night as I was up all night getting calls about patients. When he came back with D13 to get her stuff
he noticed the Christmas tree was still there even though all decorations had been taken off. He asked what I was going to do and I said I need to find someone to come pick it up. He jumped right in and took it outside, then cleaned up the floor with sweeping and mopping. I thanked him for his help.
Then D13 was throwing a fit about going to his house because S17 doesn't have to. He waited to let S17 and D13 talk some.
I left him alone sitting in the living room while I went about making the crock pot chili I had planned for the day.
He went upstairs to check on D13 and I left them alone. After 40 min or so I went up there and checked on her. They were still talking and she was saying how stressful it is to go back and forth and she doesn't like leaving her family and just wants to stay home. Then she said its not fair. I said I understand, I don't like how the situation is either but that's how it is and we need to find a way to make the best of it. I reminded her that she needs her dad and to spend time with him. After a bit she begrudgingly went but was being quite sassy with H.
I know the situation with the kids is affecting him, I can see it. And it's more than before because he's not as selfish and oblivious as he used to be ( though still has a long way to go). I wanted to show support for the fact that D13 needs to spend time with both of us. But it's up to him to fix that relationship.

I was proud of myself again today. I felt detached, not like I was having to force it either. I appreciated his help but I realized it's his way of feeling useful and means nothing right now.

On with my life- this week I plan to exercise, get good sleep, and do some GAL on the weekend.

[Matt165]

Hi daring,
You sound great. I really like how you called H out about the work you did with the lawyer. They do need to be reminded every once in a while that us LBS's are people too. It seems like they act ways towards us that they would never with others. As for the R with the kids, I'm going through some of the same. D15 is getting really tired of how W just doesn't seem to care much about what is important to her, tired of having a mother that acts like a teenager. For my part I let her vent and validate but don't try and inject my opinions. Her R with her mother is between the two of them. To be honest, D15's R with her mother has never been very good. For the last several years her mom never seemed to have time for her. It's just gotten worse since B-day.

You're doing great daring. Keep up the work on yourself and you are going to come through this so much better for it!

[daring]

Thanks Matt- I'm definitely feeling better about myself though I still have my days.

The part with the kids is really heart wrenching. My H is trying to do a good job, but just like when I was emotional about the whole situation and he couldn't handle it- it's like he gets that way with D13. He's not mean but just distant. And not nearly as understanding as the old H would have been. He seems to shut down. I'm trying to encourage her to spend time with her dad, while also being supportive. In some ways this has helped our relationship as the last few years we have butt heads big time, but this is allowing us to have some emotional closeness. Trying to see the positives out of this mess!

Interesting thing yesterday. When H was here I was much more detached than usual. I'm hitting the whatever go your own way and figure your chit out point.
So last night I had a dream that H died. He was in Africa or some other jungle type place and the circumstances of the death were sketchy. My dream confinued where I met up with his mom and other family members and we were trying to figure out exactly what happened but couldn't put the pieces together.
I woke up this morning thinking my subconscious was trying to create the situation of letting him go. The dream included a strange journey for him just like MLC, and he died and the situation made no sense as to how it happened but it did.

My brain is trying to heal and move on. It doesn't mean there's no hope, but that I've got a life to live with or without H and it's time to start focusing on that.