Jer, my H said all the same things. (In therapy, etc.) It's an affair, it's not about "figuring out their head" or whatever nonsense they are spewing. You're probably right that she's traveling to see the other person. And you're also right to just let it happen. The more you resist, the more she is able to paint you as her adversary in her mind. Let her do her thing, and allow yourself to see her for the real person that she is revealing herself to be. Then ask yourself-- is this someone I really want to be with? Then get busy focusing on yourself and let whatever unfolds unfold.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I am asking myself that question. The problem is that the person I have been living with since October is the complete opposite of the person I have lived with and loved for 9.5 years. That person would never be involved in an EA -- in fact, when we first met she said in no uncertain terms that infidelity was the only deal-breaker in her opinion and that she would be able to forgive me for anything and everything but that... And here she is doing just that.
So yeah... I'm working on letting go with love with the knowledge that the person I know and love may be gone forever.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Trust me -- I did not want to go to the therapy sessions this early... My MLCer is determined to do everything as quickly as possible and she was going to IC already. She wanted to begin discussing separation logistics ASAP on our own (which I knew would be horrendous, painful, and not a good situation for me) so I requested that we not begin those discussions until we could do so in JC with a thrid party present. Sooooo... She immediately offered up her very next IC as the first JC session.
Then cancel and stop going to the JC sessions. It is not helping at all. Of course, W is all anxious to get everything done RIGHT NOW. It is her MLC fog speaking. She's not being rational at all.
Cancel. For your own protection.
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
We have a lot of stuff to hashout -- house ownership/buyout (we both own it, but at different percentages because she was paying the full mortgage while I covered some of the utilities -- very unequal income levels), custody and schedule of who gets kids when, changes to wills and other legal docs, etc. Long list of stuff.
They can wait. Doesn't need to be done RIGHT NOW. Your W is operating on vapor of emotions and pushing you around. Don't let her ride roughshod over you.
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
Long story to the therapy stuff -- she absolutely needs to be in therapy right now for her own issues.
This is W's business and her choice to do it herself.
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
I was/am hoping that the JC can allow us to slow down the separation process.
I am not too sure about slowing it down as evidenced by yesterday's sesion. Another concern I that this is your W's IC so this person's alligence is to W. Those are the reasons why I'm urging you not to attend the sessions anymore.
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
Another goal of the JC going forward is also to help us work on our communication skills with each other and help us move toward being friends who can co-parent our kids in as healthy a manner as possible.
I think it is a smokescreen to get to a S and dividing assets. I think you and W can communicate just fine without JC. You want to save the M, right?
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
However, I do need to figure out a way to shift this back so she is doing IC again at the same time that we are doing JC.
Simply pull out of the JC. Then it'll be just W and IC to work on her stuff.
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
As for me staying in the house... I did state that I don't have to move out (b/c name is on deed), and she immediately got very angry and said "If you want to go there then this can get really ugly really fast" -- which I interpreted to mean she would seek a court order to get me out. She backed off of that when I simply restated my concerns over moving out without being employed full time. This eventually led to her stating that if I am not moving out ASAP then she needs to go off on this "silent retreat."
Do NOT move out of the house. If he brings it up, calmly inform her that "I am staying here as the kids need us. If you are having a problem with this, then you can move out. I am sorry that you're feeling this way and hope you can find some peace."
Then put on your bright pink spew jacket for W will spew at you. Don't try to defend yourself. It is all on her for feeling miserable and she's taking out her MLC angst toward you.
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
Immediately after BD I noticed a ton of stereotypical MLC behavior -- seriously: the script, younger clothing, new haircut (with light purple highlights), EA w/younger OW... the only thing missing is a little red sports car. So I instantly starting reading everything I could on MLC. I know that I didn't break her and I can't fix her.
You might want to bring your cabana over to the MLC forum to get more support from the very understanding LBSes of MCLers.
Cadet, can you pretty please post the link of my thread A Voyage Into The Mind of A MLCer?? There's a tantalizing prize for ya, buddy.
Oh Wonka -- Can your spirit enter my body so I can say/do all of those things... I am trying. A struggle here is that in our R she has always been the one who controlled a lot of things... that is probably obvious by now. I have usually just gone along with things unless it was something that I felt very strongly about. She definitely likes to be in control -- professionally she is a project manager and she carries that mindset into her personal life (spreadsheets, workplans, timelines, etc.)
Okay - now I see something I need to work on in my IC... :-) For lack of a better phrase "I need to grow a pair..."
In all seriousness though, I have been trying to at least communicate the need to NOT make any moves out of the house (neither of us) until the end of the school year for the sake of the kids -- to not disrupt their routines and structure during the school year. This isn't sitting well with her because of her need to control a fast separation. Any rational person would see the importance of keeping the needs of the kids as a priority over any selfishness needs... But I am dealing with a MLCer (or a middle-aged rebellious teenager) and not a rational-thinking person...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
