Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

Update from me, long post

After the great Thanksgiving we spent together we had a couple birthdays and Christmas. Stress was higher than normal times, but normal for holidays. I was nervous about our R through the stress, but it seemed we made it through okay.

We have been interacting well, having some fun together, surviving sick kids together; an overall good time.

What I have been missing in the R is affection and intimacy. When we were on our Thanksgiving trip we were pretty hot and heavy, she was even putting her hands on me when the kids were not looking. I felt emotionally and physically wanted, it was great.

This feeling and action from her has waned over time and she seems guarded with her feelings and or openness for affection towards me. In response to this I started to hug and kiss and try to cuddle and basically start to smother her. Not a good idea and I did not realize I was doing this until looking back.

One night after a holiday party I brought up the fact that I was missing intimacy, but I did it at a completely wrong time. We had been drinking at a party and our filters were gone so it ended in a heated conversation with each of us feeling frustrated. We talked about it later and the result was that she knows I want/need affection and intimacy but she feels guarded about it. She said there is an emotional connection that she needs to feel, it is not just all physical.

Exactly what this connection is, I do not know. I don’t understand exactly what it is, and she has confirmed this by telling me so. I don’t think she has explained it in a way that I understand what these feelings are and I also probably am having trouble understanding how she is explaining it.

On New Year’s Eve we had a good day and night until I turned into a needy baby and pouted about not being intimate. We both were nodding off on the couch and fell asleep before 12:00, we were exhausted. I had hoped to get physical that night and pouted about it and felt rejected and in turn used some hurtful language. She felt that she was again a physical object to me.

I feel we are getting into a sexless situation and don’t know how to make this emotional connection flourish and grow. When we are on vacation we have a great intimate connection and we both feel fulfilled in our R, but this feeling goes away when we are at home together.

We need to find a way to rebuild this emotional connection. She is holding back and I am pursuing and I am sure making her feel pressured.

Last night I made the decision to 180 and did not go in for good night kisses, nor did I reach in for cuddles when sleeping. I think that backing off will allow her to settle and maybe miss it. This week she is back at school again so work stresses will increase again.

What she has told me is that “I don’t know what I want/like” which is the truth. I have a hard time deciding on hobbies I enjoy or things that I like doing. I tend to follow along with other peoples likes. She said that I need to get a life outside of our R and stop worrying about her job and doctoral program; I need to do more with my friends and get out of the house more. She needs to miss me and want to see me. She also said that I need to be more assertive and get more of a back bone; I need to argue with her and stand my ground on things. She even said that she wonders how far she could push me on things to see if I would fight back. I have read Holding on to your NUTS, but think I will reread after I finish 10 Lessons to transform your marriage.

We seem to get into tension and then have intimate talks about us and the R and come away feeling better about the situation. This piecing is very hard and stressful. Sometimes I feel like she isn’t trying and it upsets me. I feel like calling her out on this, but don’t know if that would be counterproductive or not.

She said she is still afraid and scared that things will revert back, but thinks that she needs more time to feel more comfortable and emotionally connected. We both agreed that I am trying too hard and she is holding back. She has planned an overnight little date for us in February and it should be a good time.

Next week is our 10 year anniversary for our first date and I have been planning on giving her a ring to commemorate this occasion so I am pretty excited about that.

We listed our marital home for sale on January 2nd and are now figuring out what our next step is for housing. We have been looking at houses and also looking at lots to build a home on.

Life certainly is a whirl wind but I think we are two people that keep it that way with what we choose to do. We take things to or near the maximum and are big dreamers, but we both love that idea.