Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #5)

[Little]

It's not the empty room that gets me. I'm okay being alone, as I'm an introvert. I can immerse myself in a book or play with the babies(what I call my cats) or whatever. I don't feel pain from being by myself and I actually soak it in and enjoy it most of the time.

That said, I have been doing a lot of GAL activities, and go out with friends and have fun. We go to dinner, concerts, shopping excursions to places like Ikea that are far away from where I live and fun to visit even if we're just browsing, and all that nonsense.

Then I go to work and I immerse myself in being busy and productive. I like my job, I'm good at it, and my naturally buoyant and friendly personality is an asset that makes me very successful at my job function (mostly patient interaction, I'm in the medical field).

YET: My mind still spins. I can apparently multitask all this GAL stuff AND my feelings and emotional thoughts. I still FEEL the craving for BF in my life as I'm going about my day, even in as simple terms as wanting to BS about something we both enjoy and/or sending silly jokes back and forth via texts.

Sometimes I'm perfectly okay and I realize I haven't thought about it in a while and sometimes it sits in my brain and won't go away. Even more oddly, usually I have great PMA, even in times when I'm focusing on crap that I shouldn't be. The logical side of my brain that is very intelligent and KNOWS THINGS (for the best, all things in their own time, BF is seriously in need of working on himself, that R is over; but there's always hope....whatever) but does not match up with the emotional side of my brain that FEELS THINGS SO DEEPLY (missing H, upset this happened, feeling abandoned, jealous of OW, whatever).

It's odd, having okay PMA and still feeling like there's a boulder sitting in my gut. It's so weird to be able to rationalize things and yet some how STILL unable to let them go emotionally.


I need to find some way to stop this and TRULY DETATCH.

[Dawn70]

I will admit that regardless of knowing all that stuff above, the prospect that he becomes that better man to hold on to OW makes me sick to my stomach. That's an ego thing, I assume. Something I shouldn't be thinking or worrying about.

But I'm human and that's raw honesty.


Thanks, Wonka. I appreciate your input!

I feel EXACTLY the same way about my XH and his OW. I, too, think it is ego. That I stood beside him through some really rough times for him, but now he has moved on to have fun with this person. I don't want to think that she might be his happily ever after, but she may very well be. Ugh....

I feel ya, Little....I feel ya. Hang in there!

[Little]

Right on, Dawn.

I showed him unconditional love over and over and over and over again. I gave up things for him, I compromised in his favor a million times. I wanted to be with him more than I wanted any of what I gave up. I didn't ask for anything in return and I did not/am not keeping score, except that I would kind of like not to be abandoned in the end.

I try to focus on the fact that I'm ME. I am me and no one else is me. I want an R where me being ME is desireable. Because I am who I am and that can't be found in anyone but ME.

I want to be fought for, loved for who I am, appreciated for my personality and my humor, and I want someone to go, 'there is NO way I'm giving up on this woman; we'll work on our R or we'll die trying, but living without her is not an option for me'.


My brain knows I will not find that with BF. C'est la vie. He has proven this, repeatedly, and I need to give up on the idea that I will. He picked someone else. He's decided we "don't work together" when my bottom line is "I love you and we'll figure the rest out." It doesn't harmonize.

NOW...get my emotions to quit sulking about it.

[edz]

Thats definitely not just you little, its almost like there's a lag between brain and emotions catching up at times.

[jim0987]

I want to be fought for, loved for who I am, appreciated for my personality and my humor, and I want someone to go, 'there is NO way I'm giving up on this woman; we'll work on our R or we'll die trying, but living without her is not an option for me'.

Its funny (not haha funny though) this is what my tells her friends she wants, this is how I feel about her (codependent much?) And at the same time DB advice is to not fight for her but let her go - I'll say this, its definitely counterintuitive.

[edz]

That it is Jim. I think in the case of the likes of me codependent and pursuer it makes more sense but I certainly find my heart occasionally shouting at my head what the he11 it thinks its doing!

[Dawn70]

Also: having a hard time with how you spend 10 years with someone as a part of your daily life and then one day you split and insert a new person into their spot and pretend the previous person never existed.

Yes -- he had plenty of time to mentally do the detaching he needed to do to get there, which I was not involved in until the bomb dropped.

It's still bullsh*t.

Sorry, journaling and feeling bratty, today. These are things I've said/felt before.

I am kind of in that same place, though I am trying to move past it. I guess that is why I was so emotional yesterday. How can a person claim to love someone so deeply, then just become a different person overnight, seemingly? I think if we all could figure out how to reconcile that, we would be millionaires. Hugs to you, Little. You sound like you are doing well, despite these down turns.

[Little]

It's easier to submit to new relationship feelings than it is to work on an old R where you're sick of the person's chit (at the moment). He wants good feelings handed to him, he doesn't want to work for them.

Joke's on him. If you don't know how to problem solve and compromise, you're dead in the water EVERY SINGLE TIME it becomes necessary.

Have fun Tarzan'ing from one R to the next, 'cause you're not going to get away from it. You're going to get sick of OW's chit sooner or later, too, and then it's on to the next piece of booty that makes you giggly again.

Not me. I'd rather put in the work and have something strong from the effort, something I can be proud of.

[Little]

To remind myself, a post from my Facebook (no mutual friends can see my posts about BF on Facebook):

"Since moving into my own home, I've surprised myself by becoming an OCD cleaner. I vacuum four times a week (or more if it looks like it needs doing), sweep twice a day, and wet Swiffer the floors. I actually want to move things to get under them, so that I have less to do later and it doesn't build.

It's so much of a relief when you're the only one contributing to the mess and legitimately the only one responsible for cleaning it (as opposed to where two contribute to the mess and yet only one bothers to clean).
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[NAME REDACTED] That doesn't surprise me at all, I am the same way. It's easier to be inspired by pride when the results are not being undermined.
21 mins · Unlike · 1

[LITTLE BUT FIERCE] I think, toward the end of living in my old apartment, I got so beat down over the fact that if I didn't do [censored] it didn't get done....that I stopped doing [censored]. It wears you down to be the only a$$hole doing what needs to be done.
20 mins · Like · 1

[ANOTHER FRIEND] I would ask my ex to at least load the dirty dishes into the washer because I worked full time and was carrying 2-3 classes at night. He barely worked 40 hrs a week and was 10 mins from home. (I was also primary breadwinner, made almost twice what he did.) We'd bicker because he'd put it off but would yell at me if I just started doing it. But the day I found maggots growing on the counter under a pan, I'd had it and just started doing it myself again.

He had the nerve to talk behind my back about what a terrible housekeeper I was, too.

Good effing riddance! 2015 marks ten years since I dealt with that assclown.
11 mins · Edited · Unlike · 1

[LITTLE BUT FIERCE] I prefer to do the dishes as soon as they were dirtied (like right after dinner) but my ex was of a mind that they could be done at some unforseeable "later". So when "later" never came, and I got sick of taking care of it, I'd purposefully leave the dishes in the sink to see how long it would take for someone other than myself to do something about them. It would usually get to the point where I was disturbed by exactly HOW long it would take, and ended up just taking care of it myself anyway. I know for a fact I'm the only one that ever cleaned the bathroom (other than my mom).

It got to the point where I was so sick of working 8 hours and then coming home to do the cooking and cleaning, I'd give my mom cash out of my own pocket to take care of it for me, as often as I could afford.

I also paid her out of my own pocket to mow the lawn when my ex only got one weekend day off a week, so he didn't end up working his only restful day off doing yard work.

Clearly that was appreciated. :P






As an FYI, my mom does odd jobs and handywoman type things for a living, so no, my mommy does not have to clean up after me, it was a business transaction. LOL

[Karma12]

Hi Little,

Don't assume you have been replaced. No one can really replace the essence of you. He will figure that out in time. I felt exactly like you did when my hubby and I separated. Within weeks of me moving out he moved in his AP from Eastern Europe. I felt like she had just moved into my place and his life moved on without a bump. I was miserable spending my first Christmas without him and he was having a great time with his new girlfriend. Recently he told me that that was the worst year of his life and it even affected his health. My own mind made it worst for me. You sound a lot like me in regards to having abandonment issues and taking care of everyone around you. Ask yourself this "why are you attracting emotionally unavailable men into your life.? A IC asked me that question an number of yrs ago. Don't make him your project.