Maybell XXVI

[Maybell]

Are you telling me I'm boxing with shadows?

I'm not setting a trap. I don't think. Probably highly defensive. He's traveling almost all of January and I fail to see the rush here. I'm starting to see charges that show him having a stupid hipster lifestyle and it makes me mad because he made such a point of saying he was "leaving the door open" and then in July when he kept wanting to have lunch and said "I've stopped seeing OW" like that was supposed to make me magically warm up to him. And then when I did he pushed me away again.

I don't want to meet with him if he DOESN"T want to divorce because I want more time to recover from his cheating.

Labug, I bought books when we were newly married that were supposed to help us spice things up and he got all embarrassed and said he wasn't comfortable playing like that. But he was TOTALLY comfortable looking at porn in the middle of the afternoon in the basement (and telling me not to come downstairs and bother him) while he was supposed to be job hunting when D11 was an infant (I caught him when he came upstairs for lunch and I went to move the laundry over; he'd left the screen open to a really appalling picture and he grinned and said "oops"). He asked me to do some grooming "down there" out of nowhere and when I did it was clear that what I'd done was really not what he had in mind. Some of the things he asked me to do were well beyond the range of our normal repertoire -- WELL beyond. But it's not like he was generous about doing things I asked for that were more about setting the stage than running the game (to mix a metaphor).

I can't remember things being good anymore. I don't know if I even would know what good looked like. All I remember now is bad and less bad. How I never felt like he wanted to know me. How mocking he can be. How lonely I've been. How I've been asking for ten years to go on a specific trip WITH HIM because it means a lot to me in my heart (and he's BEEN to this location a LOT, including with OW) and he always put it off. And then when we got to the date that he'd finally set for actually going... he left me instead. How instead of ever joining me on the things I did for myself, he just threw money at it and made excuses and sent me to go by myself.

Yes, I'm hurt, a LOT. Yes, I'm probably being defensive. I don't want to share a meal with him. Not even a little. But I feel like I owe it to myself to at least close these 17 years in person and not through a lawyer or electronically. But I also I think he just wants me to sit there again and listen to him tell me about how he just can't feel love for me and it's never going to work and he's found someone else who he can be passionate about. And I'm SO TIRED of listening to him sit there and hurt me on purpose when I've been luggage and "the help" for so long. It's just such a stupid ending.